My Newest Weekly Feature…..Top 10 Baseball Distractions

April 07, 2009 | Glenn Clark

This isn’t about the Orioles, so calm down already. I have admitted in the past that I am just not the biggest fan of watching baseball in general; and I was reminded that in about the 2nd inning of today’s game. I have always loved the Orioles; and I will be there Thursday afternoon (and probably Friday night) rooting them on, but I have always been one to seek out other options for my entertainment dollar or remote control direction.

So every week between now and the start of football season; I’m going to offer 10 alternatives for you for the week if you’re not overly obsessed with the “grand ol’ game.” This list will be for April 7-13….

Honorable mention: LeBron and the Cavs get a shot for revenge against the Wizards, the NASCAR guys go driving again, The WWE holds a talent “Draft”, and even more local college lacrosse

10-Spring Football: Pitt, Georgia, and Oklahoma (Georgia’s Game Saturday 1pm ESPN)

You might have to be a College Football degenerate like me to love the idea of Spring Football on TV; but I’m going crazy just thinking about this. Of the 3 biggest teams to play their Spring Games this week, clearly Oklahoma has the best chance of playing for a national title, as the Sooners return Heisman winner Sam Bradford. But Brad Nessler and Kirk Herbstreit will bring us the action of Georgia’s Spring Game, and I might well just turn it on from the Press Box at M&T Bank Stadium. God I love College Football.

9-Weekend Fights: Paul Williams/Winky Wright (Saturday 10pm HBO) Strikeforce: Diaz vs. Shamrock (Saturday 10pm Showtime)

The last time Frank Shamrock stepped into a ring, he walked out looking like this…..


While I cannot say I’m exactly overly excited about the chance to see him return to the cage; the card has the chance to be entertaining, and at least you don’t have to pay Pay-Per-View dollars for it. Winky Wright hasn’t faught in nearly 2 years and is returning to face a guy 10 years his junior. Hopefully this one will keep him from fighting again in a while.

8-U.S. Clay Court Championships (Singles Final Sunday 5pm Tennis Channel)

Look, Tennis wasn’t supposed to be played on clay. Clay was supposed to be used in pottery class, and as a tasty treat before the age of 6. If a tennis tournament really had guts; they’d schedule an event to be played on Play-Doh anyway. And frankly, the event in Houston has a TERRIBLE group of players. James Blake is the number 1 seed-and if you haven’t heard, James Blake has never won anything. But you know what I like about this Tournament? Americans can win the damn thing. All the good players are somewhere else; so Mardy Fish gets a chance. Does it dilute a Championship when the Draw is bad? Sure. But if the event ends with someone carrying an American flag; I just don’t care.

7-NCAA Women’s Basketball Championship: UConn vs. Louisville (Tuesday 8:30pm ESPN)

Do I REALLY care who wins the NCAA Women’s Basketball Championship? Frankly, no. BUT, I will be rooting for Louisville for a couple reasons: 1-They are lead by former St. Frances Star Angel McCoughtry. 2-They are coached by former Maryland assistant Jeff Walz. 3-Geno Auriemma looks like he might be as much of a “Richard” as UConn’s men’s coach. Plus, there’s almost no way this game can be worse than the men’s championship, right?

6-Caps’ Road Trip to End Regular Season (Tuesday 7pm @ Thrashers, Thursday 7:30pm @ Lightning, Saturday 7pm @ Panthers; All games Comcast SportsNet)

The best way this could go down is if the Capitals don’t even bother to wear their sweaters for the games; and instead skate out wearing nothing but these…..


Nothing like scheduling a victory lap after a tough season to get ready for the playoffs. In fact, if I were Sergei Federov, I wouldn’t even bother sobering up for the games. If another team gets excited about a goal; just start belting out your karaoke version of “We Are The Champions” right in their face.

5-UEFA Champions League Quarterfinals Leg 1 (Tuesday 2:45pm ESPN2, Wednesday 2:45 ESPN2)

Tuesday’s ESPN2 game is Manchester United/FC Porto. You’ll watch this match because this dreamboat is involved….


(Editor’s note: reportedly not everyone is as excited about Christiano Ronaldo as I am. Oh well). Wednesday’s ESPN2 game is Liverpool/Chelsea; and Chelsea has a player whose name is legitimately just “Alex.” Which of course means that everyone else in the world whose name is Alex kinda sucks in comparison. My favorite thing about the Champions League quarters is that they play a 2 game series; which is absolutely the best way to determine a champion. You’d hate to come up with a scenario where two squads could end up tied or something…..

4-NISL Championship: Baltimore Blast vs. Rockford Rampage (Saturday 7:35pm, 1st Mariner Arena)

If you’re like me, you’ll enjoy be spending all of Saturday downtown; taking in the lacrosse games, then heading to the Arena to see the Blast try to claim their 5th Championship since 2003. Tickets start at something like $16; and I believe I heard somewhere that the Blast are trying to have a “Red Out” at the game. If you hear a drunk guy in a red sweater screaming “We Want More” even when no one has scored a goal; it’s definitely not me. In fact, don’t even bother checking to make sure. Just trust me.

3-The Masters (Thursday & Friday 7pm ESPN; Saturday & Sunday 3:30pm CBS)

Look, if Tiger Woods is involved in this thing on Sunday, it vaults to Number 1. But if he’s not; you’re more likely to catch me watching NASCAR. Is it wrong that I’m more interested in hearing Jim Nantz say “Hello Friends” than I am seeing anyone in the field (Tiger included) hit a golf ball Thursday or Friday? Can you imagine what a disaster this would be if Tiger hadn’t returned by now? Would anyone besides Drew watch? But again, if Tiger is in it; I’m all in. In fact, my cousins should be rooting for Tiger; because the lengths I go to hide their little plastic eggs Sunday will be based solely on whether or not I have to run in and see what’s happening on Amen Corner. If Sunday is a Jim Furyk-Nick Watney showdown; my cousins might still be looking for their eggs on Memorial Day.

2-Frozen Four (Thursday 5:30 and 8pm, Verizon Center or ESPN2; Saturday 7pm, Verizon Center or ESPN)

I got three words for you…..


If the Beavers win this whole thing, I’m walking into the first room I find that houses a net; I’m cutting the thing down, and I’m running naked through the streets in celebration. I don’t know any of the players, I don’t know where the school is located, and I’ve never watched an entire College Hockey game in my life. But I don’t care. Bemidji State RULES!!!!!!!!!

1-Inside Lacrosse Day of Rivals (Saturday 11:30am and 2pm, M&T Bank Stadium or ESPNU)

If you don’t understand why Army/Navy is the best rivalry in all of sports; you can just go ahead and move to France or something.

Taken from….

A Navy man and an Army man are driving opposite directions on a curvy mountain road. The army man hits a patch of sand, swerves, and nails the Navy man’s truck. They both exit their cars with no injuries, but their vehicles are ruined.

Now, the rivalry between Army and Navy is well known, so needless to say a heated argument followed. Then suddenly the Navy man changed heart and said, “Hold on, this is dumb. It was an accident. Let’s put this rivalry behind us.”

The Army man agreed this was a good idea. So the Navy man offered, “Why don’t we celebrate our new friendship over a fifth of vodka? I have a bottle in the truck.”

The Army man thought this was an excellent idea. So the Navy man, being a gentleman, offered the Army man the first drink, and told the Army man to drink as much as he wanted. Soon half the bottle was gone and he offered the bottle back to the Navy man who said, “Thanks, but I’ll wait till after the cops get here!”

Did I mention Maryland and Hopkins play Saturday too? In the immortal words of Danny and The Juniors, “Let’s go kick the Hop’s ass”

That wasn’t what they said?

(Did I miss something? Let me know.)