Top 10 Baseball Distractions

June 15, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Honorable Mention: ShoMMA Strikeforce Challengers: Joey Villasenor vs. Evangelista “Cyborg” Santos (Friday 11pm from Kent, WA live on Showtime), IRL Iowa Corn Indy 250 (Sunday 1pm from Iowa Speedway live on ABC), MLL: Washington Bayhawks vs. Boston Cannons (Friday 7:30pm Naval-Marine Corps Stadium), WNBA: Washington Mystics vs. Chicago Sky (Saturday 7pm Verizon Center)

10. Family Guy Volume 7 released on DVD (Tuesday, anywhere Digital Video Discs are sold), Year One in theaters (Friday, anywhere you spend $20 to watch a motion picture and enjoy a tub of popcorn approximately the size of Michael Oher)

If you didn’t think this was hilarious; you and I have differing opinions on what is hilarious. I’m not saying that either one of us is more qualified to offer opinions on what’s hilarious, except I’m more qualified.

9. TNA “Slammiversary” (Sunday 8pm from Detroit Live on Pay-Per-View)

Have I ever watched TNA Wrestling? No. I mean, how am I supposed to have time for something like that when my DVR is stacked up with episodes of “Kendra”, “Denise Richards: It’s Complicated”, and “Charm School with Ricki Lake”?

I’m kidding. Except not really.

But why WOULD I watch TNA Wrestling? Ummm……have you heard of Kurt Angle?

8. Wimbledon Opening Round (Monday 7am ESPN2)

A website called had a list of “British One-Liners” I thought I’d take the time to share with you….

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought, “he’s trying to pull a fast one.”

So I said to this train driver, “I want to go to Paris.” He said, “Eurostar?” I said, “I’ve been on the telly but I’m no Dean Martin.”

So I said to the gym instructor, “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

So I was having dinner with Gary Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said, “You remind me of a pepper-pot.” I said, “I’ll take that as a condiment.”

Do you know I’ve got a friend who’s fallen in love with two school bags? He’s bisatchel.

But I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again? Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people’s pants, it was Weggie Kray. So I said, “Do you want a game of darts?” He said, “OK then.” I said, “Nearest to bull starts.” He said, “Baa.” I said, “Moo.” He said, “You’re closest.”

You see I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said, “Do you get my drift?”

So I went down the local supermarket, I said, “I want to make a complaint — this vinegar’s got lumps in it.” He said, “Those are pickled onions.”

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds.” I said, “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck.”

But I’m in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite … one jar.

So this bloke says to me, “Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?” I thought, “That’s all I need, a Je-hoover’s witness.”

You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a Catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said, “I want to report a nuisance caller.” He said, “Not you again.”

So I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, “Are you two an item?”

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. I thought, “That’s a turtle disaster”.

Are you serious? Is there any chance we can go to war with them again?

7. NASCAR Toyota/SaveMart 350 (Sunday 4:30pm from Sonoma live on TNT)

Which smartass ESPN reporter do you think it will be that offers the classic line “The Sprint Cup guys are taking their show on the road this week?” I’m gonna go with Marty Smith, only because he’s the only NASCAR reporter whose name I could find with a quick Google search.

I was also doing a Youtube search for a road racing video; and then remembered that I would rather show you the video from when the guys from Jackass played Demolition Derby with golf carts. I think you’ll agree that I made the right decision.

6. NHL Awards Show (Thursday 7:30 from Las Vegas live on VERSUS)

The NHL sure knows what is hip!!!!!!!! Check out the list of celebrities appearing at Thursday night’s show!!!! Amongst the performers……how about……CHAKA KHAN!!!!!!!


YEAH!!!! And amongst the presenters? How about Lauren Holly?!?!?!?


Given the list of celebrities, my best guess is that the awards will be swept by Al Iafrate.

5. Ravens Rookie Camp (Tuesday, Wednesday from 1 Winning Drive), Ravens Rookie Show (Tuesday 7pm from The Barn; live on AM1570 WNST throughout the week)

While this is a nice event and all; you probably won’t hear from any of these guys for a few years. This is really just a nice little “getting to know you”-type of week. I mean, when was the last time a Ravens rookie had any impact?

4. UFC “The Ultimate Fighter” Finale (Saturday 9pm from Las Vegas live on Spike TV)

For those of you who know nothing about MMA beyond what you read in headlines, this is NOT the season of The Ultimate Fighter with Kimbo Slice.

Still reading? Wow, weird. I thought everybody would be gone after that. I didn’t really have anything else prepared. I guess I could dance…….but that wouldn’t really have much impact since you can’t see me, would it? I could tell you the one I heard recently about Paris Hilton and a blind guy……no, you’ve heard that one already.

Anyway, the theme for this season of The Ultimate Fighter was “United States vs. United Kingdom”, which is weird because having to read British jokes earlier in this blog made me want to punch the next guy with bad teeth I saw. (Reminder: don’t look in mirror.) But, as with last week when I compared America with Italy; it is only fair that I consider everything each country has offered us before I decide which nation is greater.

Let’s start with Rock and Roll. The UK gave us Led Zeppelin……

The US gave us………..ummm…….Creed? Point UK.

Let’s move on to fried food. The UK did give us fish and chips; but the US gave us Bojangle’s…….


Point US. I guess we’ll have to settle this by considering powerful women. The UK gave us the great Margaret Thatcher…..


Well played Britain. But the US gives us…….Michelle Obama and Cindy McCain……


Game. Set. Match. Suck it Britain, America rules.

3. AVP Crocs Tour Ocean City Open (Thursday-Sunday Ocean City Beach; to air Saturday 6/27 on VERSUS)

Somebody told me this picture had something to do with sports, but I didn’t much care.


There is reportedly no cash prize for this weekend’s event; instead the winner receives all you can eat taffy at the Candy Kitchen and a bathtub full of Fisher’s popcorn. Sadly, it is too late for me to enter.

2. FIFA Confederations Cup: Spain vs. Iraq (Wednesday 10am), South Africa vs. New Zealand (Wednesday 2:30pm), USA vs. Brazil (Thursday 10am), Egypt vs. Italy (Thursday 2:30pm), Spain vs. South Africa (Saturday 2:30pm), Egypt vs. USA (Sunday 2:30pm)-all previous matches live on ESPN2. Italy vs. Brazil (Sunday 2pm live on ESPN)-all matches from South Africa

So, are we supposed to root for Iraq now? I’m a little confused. I mean, we’ve basically been at way with them for my entire life; but do we like them now? And how much do we like them? I mean, the USA owns Puerto Rico; but when was the last time you rooted for them?

Also worth noting; Brazil got a Monday winner from Kaka; who was sold for something like 800 trillion dollars just a week ago. I’d say the sale was worth it; but apparently his WAG-Caroline Celico-has never posed for a picture with her clothes off.


Is there a returns department within International soccer?

1. U.S. Open (Thursday 10am ESPN, 3pm NBC; Friday 10am ESPN, 3pm NBC; Saturday 2pm NBC; Sunday 1:30pm NBC-all action from New York)

Jesus-did I really make golf the Number 1 event on this list? You see how bad things are during baseball season?

I guess if Tiger Woods is involved on Sunday this could be interesting. If he’s not; he should be forced to borrow a pair of John Daly’s pants.