Top 10 Baseball Distractions

June 29, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Honorable Mention: MLL: Long Island Lizards @ Washington Bayhawks (Saturday 6:15 Naval-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium), IRL Camping World Grand Prix at The Glen (Sunday 1pm from Watkins Glen live on ABC) U.S. Open Cup: DC United vs. Ocean City Barons (Tuesday 7:30pm Maryland Soccerplex)

10. Greater Kingsville Civic Association 4th of July Parade (Saturday 9am Bradshaw Rd. to Jerusalem Rd.); Inner Harbor Fireworks Display (Saturday 9:30pm)

Look, on behalf of all of us who grew up in Kingsville, there are only a couple of days all year that anything going on in town actually matters. Our golf course has gone to hell, I think they actually closed the High’s, and I couldn’t even tell you when the St. Steven’s Fair is anymore. But the 4th of July; that’s our day. The only other place in town that provides any actual entertainment the rest of the year would be this place…….


….an establishment that might as well change their motto to “Serving Sex Industry Workers Exclusively”

9. Eastbound & Down Season 1 available on DVD (Tuesday, wherever fine-and not so fine-DVD’s are sold)

I am going to have to admit that because WNST pays me in firm handshakes only; I cannot afford HBO-and therefore have never seen the show. But I’ve heard good things, or at least things that make me think it might be slightly more watchable than “The Real World: Cancun.”

Let’s compare. Here’s “Eastbound and Down”……….

Pretty good. Now here’s “The Real World: Cancun”……..

You know, I might have to take that back. The Real World looks really good.

Okay, here’s a last minute dark horse candidate. How about the Oxygen Network’s “Dance Your Ass Off?”

Yeah, that’s your winner.

8. Disc Golf: Tour De Calvert (Sunday 9:30am Old Calvert Park-College Park)

Here are the one-liners I considered for this entry….

“This will of course provide the strongest marijuana odor to have come from College Park since Marcus Vick’s last trip”
“Everyone participating in this event is at least as much of an athlete as Dave Neal”
“I would have been a better disc golfer, but I thought it involved too much strenuous physical activity”
“Easily the most interesting golf-related activity happening in the DC Metro area this weekend.”
“Chris Turner hit 52% percent of greens in regulation; which was about 2 percent higher than his completion percentage last season.”

Just go with whichever one gave you a chuckle. If none of them gave you a chuckle; go suck an egg. (I still remember to this day the time Justin Simmons told everyone in my 3rd grade class to go suck an egg. It changed my life.)

7. FIVB Beach Volleyball World Championships (Tuesday-Saturday 5am from Stavanger, Norway live on Universal Sports)

Blah blah blah hot chicks rolling around on the sand….


6. Tour De France (Saturday 9:30am, Sunday 8:30am, Monday 8:30am live on VERSUS)

It ain’t a great week, folks. Look, I rooted for Lance Armstrong like every other red-blooded American; but did I ever actually watch a stage of cycling on TV? Ummm……of course not. But that’s not really because I had a whole lot of other great things going on; it’s mostly because every time I see a man sit on this…..


……I have painful memories and cringe a lot. Sometimes I whimper. But don’t tell anyone.

5. Coke Zero 400 powered by Coca-Cola (Saturday 7:30pm from Daytona live on TNT)

I will admit that I don’t really enjoy NASCAR; but there’s always been something about Daytona that I’ve been partial to. I mean, there’s so much history there; it is the Lambeau Field of stock car racing, really.

You know what, I’m just going to post a picture of the Daytona Beach Hooters chicks. I don’t care about this race; and don’t plan on watching it. But I DO enjoy Hooters, and plan to frequent their establishment before I ever attend another NASCAR race.


On a side note, how can Coke Zero and Coca-Cola be sponsoring the same event? I thought they were involved in some sort of litigation?

4. CONCACAF Gold Cup: USA vs. Grenada (Saturday 9pm from Seattle live on Fox Soccer Channel)

It’s funny, because I looked up “momentum killer” on, and found this…..

“When a sport dominates the national conscience for a short time period after fledgling in obscurity for a number of years, only to hold their very next match on a cable channel no one has ever seen and practically no one ever knew existed.”

3. AT&T National (Thursday & Friday 3pm live on Golf Channel, Saturday & Sunday 3pm live on CBS; all action from Congressional)

You know what this means……DADDY’S ON TV THIS WEEKEND!!!!!!!


Do I get the Benz while you’re out “recruiting” this weekend, daddy?

(As a note: I have no idea if Gary is doing the Comcast SportsNet stuff this week because I only watch CSN when there’s a guarantee I’ll see Brent Harris’ hair. But he’s always doing TV in my mind…..)

2. Wimbledon (Tuesday, Wednesday 7am & 1pm live on ESPN2, 10am live on NBC; Thursday 7am live on ESPN2, 12pm live on NBC; Friday 7am live on ESPN2, 12pm live on NBC; Saturday-women’s final-9am Live on NBC; Sunday-men’s final-9am live on NBC.)

I just don’t care how nice of a guy he is or how much you want me to root for him. Unless Federer suddenly changes his name to “Spadea”, I’m not rooting for the guy.


Agassi would’ve kicked his ass.

1. Nathan’s Famous 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest (Saturday noon from New York live on ESPN)

Name one other country where we allow a man who normally looks like this…..


to end up looking like this in about 15 minutes…….


……..and consider it a great athletic accomplishment?

I don’t know how else to explain this to you. If you don’t watch this contest on Saturday; you’re not only a poor sports fan; you’re absolutely anti-American. I mean, you REALLY hate America. In fact, if you had to ask me who was a greater American hero; I’d pick this man…..


even before I’d pick this man…….


JO-EY! JO-EY! JO-EY!!!!!!

Thank you, and God Bless America.

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983…..