Top 10 Baseball Distractions

July 07, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Honorable Mention: WNBA: Washington Mystics vs. Los Angeles Sparks (Saturday 7pm Verizon Center), NASCAR 400 (Saturday 7:30pm from Chicago live on TNT), Crystal Palace USA vs. Harrisburg City Islanders (Friday 7pm UMBC), Crystal Palace USA vs. Crystal Palce UK (Monday 8pm Regency Furniture Stadium), IRL Honda Indy Toronto (Sunday 1pm live on ABC)

10-Curing Cancer One Call at a Time (Saturday noon-Sunday noon live on AM1570 WNST)

This event CLEARLY deserves to be higher on my list, but I can’t make fun of it. I mean, I could make fun of Rex (which I would like NOTHING more than to do!), but he’s doing such a good thing I actually almost have to think of him as a good and noble human being.

Man I have so many Rex Snider jokes prepared here! But alas, they’ll have their time. Kudos to you Rex; and if you would-the next time you do a major event, please make it something that is easier for me to make fun of. Always thinking about yourself.

9-Def Leppard/Poison/Cheap Trick (Sunday 7pm Nissan Pavilion)

Cheesy? Sure. But I DARE you to just TRY to not get laid with this song on……

The only way this show could be better is if Bret Michaels brought the whole Rock of Love Bus with him…..


You expect me to have a zinger here about how all of those girls were whores, or how they might bring STD’s to Virginia with them if they came; but I’m not gonna do that. Honestly, Bret Michaels likely hooked up with every girl on that show. Meanwhile, when I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to come over tonight, she responded by saying “Sorry sweetheart, The Bachelorette is on. I need to try to see which guy on that show I’m going to leave you for in the future.”

8-Golf: U.S. Women’s Open (Thursday & Friday 2pm live on ESPN, Saturday & Sunday 3pm NBC; all ladies’ golf live from Bethlehem, PA); John Deere Classic (Thursday & Friday 3pm live on Golf Channel, Saturday & Sunday 3pm live on CBS; all action from lovely Silvis, Illinois)

I get the feeling that if golf were more like pro wrestling, this guy would probably win the John Deere event every year…..


I also get the feeling that if golf were more like pro wrestling, you may actually know who the guy in the picture is. (His name is Boo Weekley by the way, and even though he plays golf, he looks like a fairly interesting fella. No promises though.)

Meanwhile, the US Womens’ Open will be interesting ONLY if Michelle Wie wins; or if somehow they figured out a way to let this young lady win……


7-Boxing: Vic Darchinyan vs. Joseph Agbeko (Saturday 9pm from Sunrise, Florida live on Showtime) Friday Night Fights: Matt Godfrey vs. Shawn Hawk (Friday 7:30pm from Philadelphia live on ESPN2)

Don King has decided to turn his event Saturday night into a Michael Jackson tribute. And I really think he’s doing it because it’s the right thing to do, not just to try to drum up interest in an event that no one in the world is talking about. Because Don King would never do anything like that. In fact, Don King was clearly emotional when I asked him for his thoughts regarding Michael…..

“Michael Jackson was a titan. A titanic titan if titanical proportions the likes of which America has never seen again. He was a colossal titan in fact. The type of colossus who carried the spirit of America in a matter so colossal no common man could ever duplicate, replicate, confiscate, or obliterate. That’s why this Saturday night; live on Showtime from the BEAUTIFUL BankAtlantic Center in Sunrise Florida LIVE on Showtime; we’re gonna have Vic “The Raging Bull” Darchinyan enter a titanic battle against Joseph “King Kong” Agbeko. That’s right. Michael Jackson. Titan. Saturday night. Showtime.”

6-Tour De France Stages 4-9 (Tuesday-Thursday 8:30am, Friday 8am, Saturday 7:30am, Sunday 7am live on VERSUS)

“Some place warm, a place where the beer flows like wine, where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. I’m talking about a little place called Aspen.”

“I don’t know Lloyd, the French are assholes.”

If you enjoyed this episode of “Glenn is too lazy to write his own punchlines so he just copies word for word clips from Dumb and Dumber”, please tune in next week when I’ll copy word for word the scene about the rocky mountains instead of coming up with a funny Denver joke.

If you did not enjoy this episode, read on. I’m pretty sure a cheeky joke about Michael Phelps is coming up soon. If not, you had to have at least gotten a chuckle from me saying the word cheeky, right?

5-Swimming: ConocoPhillips National Championships and World Championship Trials (Tuesday-Saturday from Indianapolis. All action streamed live on; Tuesday and Wednesday action LIVE on Universal Sports @ 6pm, Thursday-Saturday action tape-delayed on NBC Saturday and Sunday @ 1pm)

Nothing like NBC showing their dedication to quality sports coverage by again blocking fans from being able to watch their events live, huh? But they’re probably just preparing for all of their other upcoming major sporting events, like……umm……that meaningful game Notre Dame won’t be playing in this year.

Nothing like a trip to Indianapolis to get the competitive juices flowing, huh? Christ. Instead of handing out silver medals, I hear all 2nd place finishers are just going to spend the weekend at Merton’s house with his hit single “Indianapolis Colts, Number 1 True Blue, the best dang football team in the entire USA” playing in the background.

I don’t have a cheeky Michael Phelps joke for you (so sue me); but I will offer this question about Amanda Beard…..


Is there a less hot hot chick in the history of humanity? I mean, don’t get me wrong; she’s clearly hot……but in no way is she actually hot. It might as well be the most frustrating turn of events in my entire life. But it probably isn’t. I tend to exaggerate things.

4-2009 National Futsal Championship (Thursday-Sunday Baltimore Convention Center)

So let me get this straight. They give a championship out for a game that is loosely the same as the game my friends used to play when we were drunk in our hotel room?

“Hey Glenn, grab that kickball and come into the lounge! We’ve got a crazy idea…..”

I swear to God, if there’s a hallway wiffleball championship being crowned somewhere in the world without my participation, I am just going to lose it.

3-Davis Cup: USA vs. Croatia (Friday & Sunday 10am, Saturday 9:30am from Croatia live on Tennis Channel); Campbell’s Hall of Fame Tennis Championships (Semifinals Saturday 2pm, Final Sunday 2pm from Newport, RI live on Comcast SportsNet) ; International Tennis Hall of Fame Induction Ceremony (Saturday 1pm from Newport, RI-possibly live on Comcast SportsNet-I can’t really tell to be honest)

Anyone want to take a stab at who the headliner is for this year’s class of Hall of Famers?


Jesus Christ. That was the worst joke I’ve ever told. What the hell is with me this week? I’ve seriously been spending too much time with Forrester. Plus, everything in the world sucks. Can I have a re-do on this one?

Side note: when the hell did Monica Seles become Christina Applegate???


I mean, trust me I’m not complaining. Do all the girls on Dancing With the Stars look like that? I might actually have to start watching!

2-CONCACAF Gold Cup: Haiti vs. Grenada, US vs. Honduras (Wednesday 7pm & 9pm from RFK Stadium, live on Fox Soccer Channel)

Why in the hell are there still events held at RFK Stadium? They might as well just put the damn game at 1st Mariner Arena. Seriously, is Dan Snyder such a maniac that we can’t figure out a way to get soccer matches at FedEx Field?

And another thing, what’s with airline food?

1-UFC 100 (Saturday 9pm from Las Vegas live on Pay-Per-View)

3 words, 2 syllables.

Brock. Lesnar.


Does he have the worst tattoo in the history of humanity? Yes, of course he does. Will it matter when he beats Frank Mir into a bloody pulp Saturday night? No it will not. And if you’re coming to my place to watch the fight Saturday night, please bring your own sofa pillows. Mine will be in use.

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983…….