Top 10 Baseball Distractions

July 13, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Honorable Mention: PGA Tour: US Bank Championship in Milwaukee (Thursday-Sunday 4pm live on Golf Channel), MLL All-Star Game (Thursday 10pm from Denver live on ESPN2), WNBA: Washington Mystics vs. San Antonio Silver Stars (Wednesday 11:30am from Verizon Center), Crystal Palace USA vs. Richmond Kickers (Saturday 7pm from UMBC), NASCAR Nationwide Series Missouri-Illinois Dodge Dealers 250 (Saturday 9pm from Madison, IL live on ESPN2)

10-World Team Tennis: Washington Kastles vs. New York Sportimes (Thursday 7pm from Kastles Stadium in DC)

Why should you attend this match? Ummm…….Johnny Mac?

(Language NSFW. Unless you work with Martha Stewart. TOTAL potty mouth.)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EmJi_oc7t10[/youtube]

9-Tour De France Stages 10-15 (Tuesday-Saturday 8:30am, Sunday 7:30am live on VERSUS)

On Monday morning’s episode of “The Comcast Morning Show”, I butchered what I remember to be a very funny joke about the French by completing forgetting the punchline. You see, if I knew really witty punchlines; they’d probably hire me to be a writer on a hit sitcom like………..ummm…….well if I was funny there would have been a punchline there. Instead it was awkward. Like me in middle school. And high school. And since.

The joke came from when President Bush couldn’t get French support for the war on terror. It started with “Not bringing the french to war is like…..” and then there was a funny punchline. You know, like most jokes have. Since I’m too stupid to remember the actual punchline but I THINK I understand the nature of the joke, I’m going to attempt to come up with my own punchlines. If I screw this up……ummmm……..damnit I should know something by now!

“Not bringing the french to war is like……

……Not bringing ketchup to your hockey game.”
……Not bringing a windbreaker to a swimming pool.”
……Not bringing Kanye West to a game of pin the tail on the donkey.”
……Not bringing your remote control to your wedding.”

Any of these work???

Ehh…..what the hell would you know about comedy anyway, Oscar?

8-Capitals Developmental Camp (Tuesday-Saturday; Kettler Capitals Iceplex-Arlington, VA); NHL Schedule Released (Wednesday)

Speaking of hockey (you see, that’s funny because we were never really talking about hockey. You guys should really thank me for everything I do for you), a bunch of guys you’ve never heard of that play for the Caps are skating this week in preparation for likely not making the team in the Fall. Which means you can get to know them and no one will care when you can’t remember their names.

I was going to follow up with something like “Sorta like every girl I met when I came home from college.” I didn’t write it because it is actually nothing like every girl I met when I came home from college. Most girls I met over my college summers said “Sorry, I have a boyfriend back at college.” Even though they most closely resembled the following celebrity…..

dick

7-ESPY Awards (Wednesday from Los Angeles, broadcast tape delayed Sunday 9pm on ESPN)

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yC6TbH_Yzd4[/youtube]

Have I posted that before? If I have; who cares. It’s late, and I’m very easily distracted by the fact that I am my girlfriend is watching “The Bachelorette.”

Everyone expects Michael Phelps to sweep the ESPY’s……and by everyone I mean one intern at our station who actually gives a crap that these things are going on. I managed to track down Phelps’ backstage rider for the event, which looked a lot like this…

ITEMS NEEDED BACKSTAGE FOR MICHAEL PHELPS:

What the hell do you think?

6-Virginia Derby (Saturday 5pm from Colonial Downs in New Kent, VA live on CBS), Delaware Handicap (Sunday 4pm from Delaware Park live on HRTV)

You know what you can bring to the Virginia Derby?

beer

ROAD TRIP!

5-CONCACAF Gold Cup Quarterfinals: US vs. Panama (Saturday 8pm from Philadelphia live on Fox Soccer Channel); US Women’s Soccer vs. Canada (Sunday 3pm from Rochester live on ESPN)

Is there any greater injustice in the world than the fact that Heather Mitts….

mitts

……..is married to AJ Feeley??????

aj

Wait a second. You mean to tell me they’re NOT married?

Is it still considered stalking if in your own mind you think the other person involved likes it?

4-“Homecoming” With Michael Phelps and Rick Reilly debuts (Thursday 7pm ESPN), “The T.O. Show” debuts (Monday 10pm Vh1)

I could sit here and tell you about these TV programs, or we could look at a picture of Terrell Owens’ partner from his last TV show-Joanna Krupa.

krupa

(Editor’s Note: Pictures not safe for work. Oh wait, I’m supposed to tell you that before you look at the picture. Crap. If you need help putting together your resume, give me a call. Not that I would really be able to help you much.)

3-NCAA Football 2010 Hits Stores (Tuesday, wherever your local nerds and fan boys make their usual video game purchases)

You know how smart I am? I went and lined up for the midnight release and managed to convince my girlfriend (“The Luckiest Dang Gal on the Face of the Planet”) that we were lining up for Harry Potter. You’d think she would have realized that we probably weren’t going to a movie when we were lined up at Best Buy, but I just kept saying “No sweetheart, they show movies on the TV screens in the back of the store now.” Look, I never said she was the smartest dang gal on the face of the planet. She’s with me.

After I bought the game she said “this doesn’t mean you’re gonna spend your whole week playing the game and not doing things with me, does it?” To which I said “of course not sweetie. Who’s gonna bring me a beer when Maryland and Clemson are locked in a 31-31 battle in the 4th quarter?”

As an aside, Da’Rel Scott will run for over 5,000 yards. In my apartment. In the next 7 days.

2-British Open (Thursday & Friday 7am live on TNT; Saturday 7am live on TNT, 9am live on ABC; Sunday 6am live on TNT, 8am live on ABC. All of the soggy action live from Turnberry)*

(*If Tiger Woods is not in contention on Sunday; I’ll be watching Daisy of Love.)

I’m told that people like my blogs more when I include pictures of hot chicks. Unfortunately, this is what I found when I  Google Image searched “british girls”…..

brit

……No wonder they call me Glenn “Page Clicks” Clark.

1-Artscape (Friday-Sunday, Mt. Royal Ave. & Calvert St.)

Does this have anything to do with sports? No. Do I care? Of course not. You know why? Because no one in sports can do this….

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BK561tuWA90[/youtube]

If you think there’s ANYTHING in the world I’m more interested in than Robert Randolph Saturday night; you’re out of your mind. Come hang out…..buy me a beer…..and a Chick-Fil-A sandwich.

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983……

-G

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