Top 10 Baseball Distractions

July 21, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Honorable Mention: Crystal Palace USA vs. Charlotte Kickers (Saturday 7pm UMBC Stadium), WNBA: Washington Mystics vs. Chicago Sky (Thursday 7pm from Verizon Center live on ESPN2) LPGA Tour: Evian Masters (Thursday & Friday 6:30pm, Saturday & Sunday 1pm; all ladies golf live on Golf Channel from Evian-Les-Baines, France), Pete Yorn (Tuesday 8pm Rams Head Live)

10-The Bob Dylan Show (Friday 6pm Ripken Stadium)

This isn’t the first time Bob Dylan has played Ripken Stadium; but the continued evolution of his summer jaunt around minor league ballparks provides another chance for quality entertainment fans of all ages can enjoy.

(Holy crap. I kinda sounded like a real concert reviewer there, didn’t I? Just in case you’re confused and think I might be a real journalist all of a sudden, I’ll start thinking up some fart jokes.)

Bob Dylan is bringing Willie Nelson back to Aberdeen for this show. There’s a Michael Phelps joke to be made there; but I almost feel bad about making it. You know, smart comedy writers would have somewhere else to go besides continual pot jokes. Plus, the swimming world championships start next week-so I’m really going to need to stockpile my Michael Phelps punchlines.

How about this: “Willie Nelson is coming back to Aberdeen on Bob Dylan’s tour. Dominos locations throughout Harford County have been put on a ‘Code Phelps’ alert level.”

Also, John Mellencamp is on the tour. Which gives me an excuse to put this video up here. If this song hasn’t had an effect on your life, get the hell out of this country.

9-Jake “The Snake” Smith’s Baltimore Boxing (Saturday 6:30pm DuBurns Arena)

The main event on Saturday night’s card is Ken Dunham vs. James “Keepum Sleepen” Stevenson. This only proves that there are still great nicknames in sports today. It might be spelled worse than a 2am blog post; but “Keepum Sleepen” is an AWESOME nickname.

This made me think to search the other best nicknames in sports. Here’s a sampling…..

Georges “The Chicoutimi Cucumber” Vezina
Rod “He Hate Me” Smart
Charles “The Round Mound of Rebound” Barkley
Gilbert “Hibachi” Arenas
Bill “His Heinous” Laimbeer
Rich “El Guapo” Garces
“One Size” Fitz Hall
Christian “The Nigerian Nightmare” Okoye

And of course my favorites…..

Dave “Is it September yet?” Trembley
Aubrey “Skinemax” Huff
Jason “Why Am I Here?” Berken
Koji “60 pitches” Uehara
Andy “We Aren’t Supposed to be good anyway” MacPhail
and Greg “Dial Tone” Bader

8-All-American Soap Box Derby (All day Saturday from Akron, Ohio; streamed live at Soap Box Derby Official Site)

Sadly, I was never able to race a soap box as a child. It had a little to do with some medical conditions I’ve had since birth; namely a medical condition known as “fat.”

This video has nothing to do with what these kids are going to be doing Saturday in Akron (which-and don’t ask me why I know this-I believe is known as the “Rubber Capital of the World”), but it looks like drunk people crashing their homemade soapboxes. We used to do this in college, but never outside the hallways of our dorm rooms….

Why do I get a bad feeling that I’m always the guy yelling “YEAH!!!!!” in these videos?

7-WWE Night of Champions (Sunday 8pm from Philadelphia live on Pay-Per-View), WWE Raw (Monday 7pm from Verizon Center live on USA Network)

Do you want to talk about the grappling matches, or do you want to look at pictures of WWE Diva Gail Kim?




She totally wants me. Then again, they all do.

6-ATP: Indianapolis Tennis Championships (Quarterfinals Friday 1pm Tennis Channel, 4pm ESPN2; Semifinals Saturday 1:30pm ESPN2, 4pm Tennis Channel; Final Sunday 3pm ESPN2. Every serve and volley live from Indy), World Team Tennis Championship (Sunday 5pm Kastles Stadium)

The ATP Tour stop in Indianapolis used to be considered the most popular stop on tour by the players themselves. Then they were informed the event was in Indianapolis. Now the best player than can get to show up is John Isner. Andy Roddick was going to come, but instead he decided to sit on his couch and Tweet pictures like this……


Do you think the position of “Andy Roddick’s dog” is something you can apply for on

5-PGA Tour: RBC Canadian Open (Thursday & Friday 3pm live on Golf Channel, Saturday & Sunday 3pm live on CBS; all exciting golf play from Oakville, Ontario), Champions Tour: Senior Open Championship (Thursday & Friday noon live on TNT, Saturday & Sunday 1:30opm live on ABC. All gripping seniors golf live from Berkshire, England)

Tom Watson said he is really looking forward to the opportunity to choke against some guys his own age.

LOLOLOLOLOLOL!!!!! ROFL!!!!!! LMMFAO!!!!!! (I’m really funny with all of my zany one-liners. I just kick ass in every way basically.)

You of course remember the Canadian Open from the one time the Tournament actually mattered…..when Tiger Woods did that thing that made you drop your own beer, and knock the beer out of your buddy’s hand too….

Sadly, a year later the Tournament changed their purse from over $1 million dollars to a case of LeBatt and a pair of tickets to see Nickelback. The field hasn’t been quite the same since.

(Editor’s Note: Canadian pop culture references are always funny! ANNE MURRAY!)

4-NASCAR Allstate 400 at the Brickyard (Sunday 1pm from Indianapolis live on ESPN), Rexall Edmonton Indy (Sunday 5pm live on VERSUS)

You mean to tell me there’s something ELSE going on in Indianapolis this weekend? Are they trying to get people to BECOME fans of NASCAR; or are they trying to scare everyone away from the sport?

NASCAR has obviously gotten a lot of publicity this summer from………their really interesting points race??? No? I could have sworn I have been hearing about them for SOME reason……


That’s right! It’s their meth-head, murder accusing driver! I understand that having a coked out maniac on the track might be a particularly dangerous issue for stock car racing; but has any sport ever needed anything more than to get this maniac out on the track? I used to think Andre Agassi was a compelling sports drama……..this guy could be all 8 roommates on “The Real World”!

3-Tour De France Stages 16-21 (Tuesday & Wednesday 6:30am, Thursday & Friday 8:30am, Saturday 7am, Final Stage Sunday 7:30am. Every pedal live on VERSUS)

Kind of a bummer when your sport’s biggest only star comes out and tells everyone he won’t win the most only important race of the season. More of a bummer when the event still has ANOTHER WEEK before the thing is over?

How the hell does VERSUS market this now?

“Lance Armstrong might be out of it……..but someone might die?”

Oh……that’s not really funny, is it?

I should probably be more sensitive. My girlfriend (“The Luckiest Dang Gal on the Face of the Planet”) is always telling me that, but when she was making me dinner and doing my laundry the other night, I told her she could take a 90 second break because it looked like she was getting dehydrated. It wasn’t my fault she didn’t. (Editor’s note: It really was my fault, as she went to take the break and I told her I was just kidding. How was she gonna have my dinner ready is she was busy taking breaks?)

2-Ravens Rookies & QB’s Report to Training Camp (Monday, McDaniel College), Joe Flacco/Fabian Washington signing at Legendary Ink (Wednesday 7pm/5pm Marley Station Mall)

What’s he doing now????

Does he look good????

How many interceptions did he throw on Day 1????



You’re going to have plenty of chances to spend time with Joe over the next few weeks. In fact, I’ll go ahead and proclaim this the “Summer of Flacco.”

Which is way better than what we were calling this thing a year ago. You remember, the “Summer of please dear God is there anyone on this team who can throw the ball?”

1-World Football Challenge: Chelsea vs. AC Milan (Friday 8pm from M&T Bank Stadium live on ESPN), CONCACAF Golf Cup Semifinals: United States vs. Honduras, Costa Rica vs. Mexico (Thursday 7pm, 10pm from Chicago live on Fox Soccer Channel, Telefutura) CONCACAF Gold Cup Final (Sunday 3pm from East Rutherford, NJ live on FSC/Telefutura)

There’s so much soccer going on this week that I have decided to institute a “trade sweaters” policy at the station this week. After every show; Drew, myself, Intern Steven Patrick, and everyone else at the station will switch shirts. I’m actually not sure why I haven’t thought of this sooner. I hope Drew wears something nice tomorrow morning.

For what it’s worth, we all know I’ll be rooting for AC Milan Friday night. Look, I’m Italian, I don’t really even get a choice in this. But if you were looking for an argument to get me to root for Chelsea; this picture of noted WAG Cheryl Cole might well make things interesting (in my trousers anyway)…..


Holy crap. I really don’t know who Ashley Cole even is; but I want to spend as much time in his world as humanly possible this week.