Top 10 Baseball Distractions

July 28, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Honorable Mention: WNBA: Washington Mystics vs. Indiana Fever (Sunday 4pm Verizon Center), MLL: Washington Bayhawks vs. Chicago Machine (Saturday 7pm Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium), Depeche Mode (Tuesday 7:30pm Nissan Pavilion), Boxing: Friday Night Fights: Julio Diaz vs. Victor Manuel Cayo (Friday 8pm from Hollywood, FL live on ESPN2), Charles Huerta vs. Derrick Wilson (Thursday 10pm from Los Angeles live on VERSUS), ShoBox: Marvin Quintero vs. Tyrone Harris (Friday 11pm from Temecula, CA live on Showtime), Timothy Bradley vs. Nate Campbell (Saturday 9pm from Rancho Mirage, CA live on Showtime), X Games 15 (Thursday 9pm; Friday 8pm; Saturday 12pm; Sunday 1pm ESPN2, 3pm ABC from Los Angeles), CONCACAF Champions League: DC United vs. C.D. L.A. Firpo (Tuesday 8pm from RFK Stadium live on Fox Soccer Channel), MLS All-Star Game (Thursday 9:30pm from Sandy, UT live on ESPN2)

10-Silversun Pickups with Manchester Orchestra and Cage The Elephant (Monday 7pm Rams Head Live)

Even I think including this on my list makes me a tool. Jesus.

That song really does kick ass though. And has been the one song used to advertise like very major event in the last 24 months. I feel like if I ever have an announcement that is even remotely interesting to anyone else; I will use this song. Like the time I finally come out and admit that I’m gainfully employed by the Baltimore Orioles as a secret operative to spy on Forrester’s every move.

You thought I was going a different way there, didn’t you? That’s childish. I’d never do anything like that. I thought you knew me better.

If you’re not familiar with Cage The Elephant, get bent. (Editor’s note: I certainly don’t mean that. Not everyone is perfect. Well, not everyone is as perfect as me…..Glenn “The Complete Package” Clark anyway.) Here’s their tune. Listen to it…..and then find a way to steal it on the internet. People who buy music are suckers.

9-Harford County Farm Fair (Thursday-Sunday 10am from Bel Air Equestrian Center)

Boy THAT was almost awkward. Apparently THIS is a pig race…..

I thought it was going to somehow involve a few of my high school girlfriends.

You should have seen the look on my face……

For the record, I would have gone with Brenda. She’s the one on the right…


Bachman is so turned on right now.

(Editor’s note: Please forward all complaints to Mike T will get back to you shortly.)

8-NASCAR Sunoco Red Cross Pennsylvania 500 (Sunday 1pm from Pocono Raceway live on ESPN); IRL Meijer Indy 300 (Saturday 8pm from Kentucky Speedway live on VERSUS)

Is the Kentucky race on the IRL schedule just basically a home game for Dario Franchitti?

I mean, Ashley Judd is like the first-tenth best thing to have ever come from that state. You can’t marry Ashley Judd and lose in Kentucky, can you?

7-Navy Football Media Day/Fanfest (Monday 4pm Navy-Marine Corps Memorial Stadium), CAA Football Media Day (Wednesday 10am ESPNZone, streamed live at

On behalf of everyone, everywhere; I would like to personally thank Navy QB Ricky Dobbs for not being named Kaheaku-Enhada.

Anyone else wanna go down to Annapolis with me Monday and scream “Go Army” and run?

No one?

Okay, it’ll just be me I guess.

6-ATP: L.A. Tennis Open (Thursday 5pm Tennis Channel, 10:30pm ESPN2; Friday 3pm Tennis Channel, 11pm ESPN2; Saturday 4pm Tennis Channel, 11pm ESPN2; Sunday-FINAL-5pm live on ESPN2), WTA: Bank of the West Classic (Thursday 3pm ESPN2, 7pm Tennis Channel; Friday 7pm Tennis Channel; Saturday 7pm Tennis Channel, 9pm ESPN2; Sunday-FINAL-3pm ESPN2; all women’s tennis from Stanford University)

How in the hell is this person ranked 12th in the world and I have never creepily shot a peephole video of her heard of her?


You want to know what her name is? Her name is Whothehellcaresthere’sanotherhotchickplayingtenniskova.

(Editor’s note: Her name is reportedly Dominika Cibulkova. Like it matters.)

5-Golf: Buick Open (Thursday & Friday 3pm live on Golf Channel, Saturday & Sunday 3pm live on CBS from Grand Blanc, MI); U.S. Senior Open (Thursday & Friday 1pm live on ESPN, Saturday & Sunday 3pm live on NBC), Ricoh Women’s British Open (Thursday & Friday 10am live on TNT; Saturday 1:30pm, Sunday 1pm live on ABC; all ladies golf from Lancashire, England)

I happened to come across a memo sent from CBS Sports honcho Sean McManus this week in anticipation of this weekend’s Buick Open……

To: All Staff involved with Buick Open coverage
Re: Friday

To those of you covering the event this weekend. If on Friday you happen to notice that Tiger is flirting with the cut line; please somehow distract every golfer ahead of him on the leaderboard. If you have to hire that guy from Happy Gilmore to stand in the crowd and shout “You suck, Jackass!” every time Stewart Cink swings, we will foot the bill. Do NOT, I repeat do NOT allow this to go the wrong way. There’s no Watson there to bail us out, people.

4-Horse Racing: Haskell Invitational (Sunday 4:30pm from Monmouth Park live on TVG)

You think Calvin Borel is thinking about Rachel Alexandra’s showdown with Summer Bird and saying to himself “Thanks for waiting until now…….I mean, I only had a chance to win the Triple Crown……no big deal or anything.”

Preakness winner Rachel Alexandra battles Belmont winner Summer Bird in a showdown that will be seen by a handful of degenerates on TVG. But there’s nothing in the world wrong with Horse Racing, now is there?

I have absolutely no idea why I thought this would be a funny bit; but I Google image searched “Sexy Horse” in hopes of finding a good bit here. I found this……



3-FINA Swimming World Championships (Tuesday-Friday 12pm live on Universal Sports, Saturday & Sunday noon live on NBC; every stroke from Rome)

Mike Phelps already won the tough one; so if he doesn’t win every other race in this damn thing he’s pretty much a miserable failure who has never accomplished anything in his life. Well, I mean, other than winning 14 Olympic Gold Medals. But who the hell hasn’t done that? And oh yeah, this whole thing……


(Editor’s note: I swear to God, if Michael Phelps doesn’t use “When in Rome” as a pickup line with some Italian chick this week; he’s out.)

2-Ravens Veterans Report to Training Camp (Wednesday; First practice with vets Friday 8:45am McDaniel College)



Also, if the Ravens are still in the market for a WR; I believe this guy is still available……


Seriously; why in the hell would you NOT take a shot at Fred-Ex? Do you really think Biren Ealy is a better option????

1-WWE Smackdown Tapings (Tuesday 7pm First Mariner Arena, to air Friday 8pm on MyNetworkTV)

A lot of people think pro wrestling is nothing more than a male soap opera based on silly storylines, beefed up jocks, and bad jokes. But I would offer these classic moments of incredible competition as an example that the WWE is truly one of the great exercises in sport throughout the world.

For example, Kurt Angle vs. Shane McMahon at King of the Ring 2001…..

Randy “Macho Man” Savage vs. Ricky “Dragon” Steamboat at Wrestlemania III…..

Edge & Christian vs. The Dudley Boyz vs. The Hardy Boys at Wrestlemania X-7….

and of course, Trish Stratus vs. Stacy Keibler in a Bra and Panty mud match on WWE Raw…..

Classic competition there.

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983…….