Top 10 Baseball Distractions

August 25, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Honorable Mention: WNBA-Washington Mystics vs. Minnesota Lynx (Sunday 4pm Verizon Center), CONCACAF Champions League: DC United vs. Toluca (Wednesday 8pm from RFK Stadium live on Fox Soccer Channel), Boxing: Juan Urango vs. Randall Bailey (Friday 9pm from Hollywood, FL live on ESPN2)

10-Black Crowes (Sunday 7pm Rams Head Live), The Killers (Monday 6pm Merriweather Post Pavilion), Kenny Chesney (Saturday 7pm Nissan Pavilion)

Frankly, there might not be a better time than Kenny Chesney Saturday night. I say that because despite the fact that Nissan is somewhere between DC and FREAKING IRAQ; there will be 15,000 screaming girls in the house. I think I could stomach sitting in the parking lot for those odds. Plus, many of them will probably be dressed like this…..


BUT, the better SHOW will almost certainly be one of the other two. I submit Subject A from a previous Black Crowes show at Rams Head:

And Subject B would be Mr. Brandon Flowers’ opus:

9-Maryland State Fair Opens (Friday Timonium State Fairgrounds)

I plan on eating ALL of these before Labor Day…….


Oh, and about 12-14 of these……


8-WWE: Rise and Fall of WCW DVD in stores (Tuesday), Wrestlemania 25 Network premiere (Saturday 9pm NBC)

Do you understand how difficult it was for me during my childhood to deal with the fact that Hulk Hogan went to the dark side???


Vince McMahon has done a hell of a job of trying to make us forget about the few good things WCW and ECW did; but I will NEVER forget the day I learned about the evils of the nWo.

(Editor’s note: This DVD should actually be pretty good. The “Monday Night Wars” DVD was really good, and the “Rise and Fall of ECW” DVD was good too. They can’t screw everything up.)

7-NASCAR Pep Boys Auto 500 (Sunday 7pm from Atlanta live on ESPN), IRL Peak Antifreeze & Motor Oil Indy 300 (Saturday 9pm from Chicago live on VERSUS)

Apparently Tony Stewart is leading the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series points race. I’d offer some sort of analysis here; but that’s pretty much all I’ve got.

I wonder if Stewart’s fans chant the same thing my roommate always did freshman year of college….


6-Maryland Football Scrimmage (Thursday 5:25pm Byrd Stadium)

Glenn-do you have any video of a handsome, well-respected journalist talking to a Terrapins defensive lineman about how he spent his summer vacation?

Also, I feel as though I am going to need to start some sort of Caleb Porzel campaign-you know, like the “Matt Wieters Facts” or “Strasburg is Good” campaigns we’ve seen recently. Maybe “Porzel > Tomlinson” or “Porzel > Kobe” or something like that.

5-Horse Racing: Shadwell Travers Stakes (Saturday 4:30pm from Saratoga live on ESPN)

Kentucky Derby winner Mine That Bird is scheduled to be back in action Saturday; which means somewhere right now Calvin Borel is probably yelling.

Or course, Calvin Borel regularly is yelling no matter what horse is in action where; so I guess that’s not really a relevant statement to make.

For absolutely no reason at all, here’s a video of small children yelling. I didn’t say it was an interesting video, or a funny video, or even a video that has some level of significance somehow. I just said it was a video. I have lived up to my end of the bargain…

4-Golf: FedEx Cup Playoffs-The Barclays (Thursday & Friday 3pm live on Golf Channel, Saturday & Sunday 3pm live on CBS. All “playoff” action live from Jersey City, NJ), LPGA Safeway Classic (Friday 4pm & Saturday 5pm live on ESPN2; Sunday 4pm live on ESPN. All action from North Plains, OR), Champions Tour Boeing Classic (Friday & Saturday 6:30pm, Sunday 7pm from Snoqualmie, WA live on Golf Channel)

The golf playoffs are exactly like the playoffs in every other sport. Expect for the fact that some people care about the playoffs in every other sport.

And with the Champions Tour headed to Snoqualmie; I felt inspired to find a list of The Worst City Names in the world. Thanks to blog site “The Best Things in Life“….

22. Cockburn, Western Australia
21. Twatt, Orkney, Shetland Islands, Scotland
20. Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu, New Zealand
19. Muff, Ireland
18. Looneyville, Texas, United States
17. Titty Hill, Sussex, England
16. Thong, Kent, England
15. Gravesend, Kent, England
14. Wetwang, Yorkshire… yep! England again!
13. Spread Eagle, Wisconsin
12. Bald Knob, Arkansas, United States
11. Cockup, Cumbria, England
10. Whiskey Dick Mountain, Washington State, United States
9. Hookersville, West Virginia
8. Hell, Michigan, United States
7. Toad Suck, Arkansas, United States
6. Middelfart, Denmark
5. Horneytown, North Carolina, United States
4. Shitterton, Dorset, England
3. Disappointment, Kentucky, United States
2. Fucking, Austria
1. Whakapapa, New Zealand

3-U.S. Open Series: Pilot Pen Tennis (Thursday 1pm & 7pm, Friday 12pm & 7pm live ESPN2; Saturday 1pm live on CBS. All action from New Haven, CT) U.S. Open (Monday 11am live on Tennis Channel, 1pm & 7pm live on ESPN2. Action from New York)

I was trying to think about how to come up with a punch line that involved me hanging out in Brooklyn during the Open to stalk Andy Roddick-and then talk about Andy Roddick hanging out in Brooklyn, but then referencing his wife Brooklyn Decker.

I was thinking about it for like 20 minutes, but then I remembered that all you guys really wanted was for me to post a picture of Brooklyn Decker. Sometimes I think too much.


2-Ravens @ Panthers (Saturday 8pm from Charlotte live on WBAL11 & MASN)

For some reason, I don’t get to make the trip to North Carolina for this game. I wouldn’t be that angry about missing a preseason NFL game regularly; but……..most trips aren’t to places in the country that feature Bojangles…..


And just in case you forgot, here’s a BoBerry biscuit….


So have fun in NC, rest of the media covering the Ravens. I’d rather be having strawberry jelly and crunchy peanut butter sandwiches anyway!

1-UFC 102: Couture vs. Nogueira (Saturday 10pm from Portland live on Pay-Per-View)

After Randy Couture kicks Minotauro’s ass Saturday night, it is NOT my opinion that he should get another shot at Brock Lesnar. Instead, I believe he should face someone a little closer to his age. At UFC 109, I believe it is time for us to see the ultimate showdown: Couture vs……….ROURKE……


…..Flexing my mic muscles since 1983