Top 10 Baseball Distractions

September 21, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Honorable Mention: Preseason NHL-Blackhawks @ Capitals (Wednesday 7pm), Rangers @ Capitals (Sunday 12pm-both games at Verizon Center), College Football: Moravian @ Johns Hopkins (Saturday 2pm Homewood Field), High School Football: Perry Hall @ Parkville (Saturday 1pm), Gin Blossoms (Friday 8pm Power Plant Live)

10-Baltimore Book Festival (Friday-Sunday 12pm Mt. Vernon Place)

You see, all you punks this I’m just some stupid kid from Perry Hall who does nothing but eat Chick-Fil-A, talk about Gary Williams and stare at semi-naked girls all day. While you’re completely accurate, sometimes I like to be all intellectual and stuff. While there’s about as much chance of me attending the Baltimore Book Festival as there is of the Orioles winning the World Series, I think it’s cool. Hell, Ralph Nader and Buzz Aldrin are gonna be there. And if that doesn’t say “Gotta Be There”, then I don’t know what in the hell you people are looking for.

Speaking of books, I am reminded that the movie version of Tucker Max’s book “I Hope They Serve Beer in Hell” hits theaters Friday, and it may or may not have the legs some people hope it does. You see, apparently women in particular haven’t liked all of the ads they’ve been running for the movie. Ads that are sorta like this……


Which is crazy to me. I mean, it is very clear that fat girls truly ARE real people. Just real people who we don’t talk to until well after 1am on a Saturday night.

(Editor’s note: I’m kidding. Jesus. We all know I’ve talked to fat girls before 1am on a Saturday night.)

9-Lebowski Fest (Monday 6pm doors 9:30 Club-event continues Tuesday night at Strike! Bethesda)

I’m not really certain how to qualify this event in comparison to some other events I’ve heard about recently. But here goes.

Lebowski Fest will undoubtedly be the single most important event of all time. Ever. Anywhere.

Think I handled that well? Eh, as long as The Dude abides…..

(Editor’s note: Language-AND VIDEO APPARENTLY-NSFW. Unless you work at Pinland. And if so, I’m coming by later to school The Jesus AND everyone else.)

8-NASCAR AAA 400 (Sunday 1pm from Dover live on ABC)

Apparently the WNST trip to Dover is exciting Sunday for 2 reasons.
1-This is the 2nd race of NASCAR’s “Chase for the Cup”, which apparently is akin to the playoffs in other sports. Not real sports of course, but other sports with fake playoffs.
2-While you’re in Dover, you can beat on the NFL. Of course, you can only bet parlays, but knowing those of you who will be going, I’m pretty sure you won’t mind.

I’ve got nowhere to go from here. I don’t really care about NASCAR, I think you people are crazy for doing something on the day of a Ravens game, and I can think of maybe 148,000,000,000,000 ways I’d rather spend my day.

But enjoy the trip. Who knows, maybe this guy will be there…..


(Editor’s note: Who are we kidding? Of COURSE that guy will be there.)

7-Boxing: WBC Heavyweight Championship-Vitali Klitschko vs. Cristobal Arreola (Saturday 10pm from Los Angeles live on HBO), Jimmy Lange vs. Jonathan Reid (Saturday 7:30pm Patriot Center), Mark “TNT” Tucker vs. Jim “Steel Chin” Strohl (Friday 8pm Shipley Arena-Carroll County Agricultural Center)

Is it a GOOD thing to be nicknamed “The Steel Chin”? Look, I’m all for being able to take a beating, but…..wouldn’t “The Great American Hook” be a better choice?

I’d tell you about Saturday night’s Heavyweight Championship, but:
1-A Klitchko is involved, which means he will win against a lesser opponent in a particularly uninteresting match.
2-It’s boxing, so I already know that you don’t care.

Instead, here’s a video of Butterbean beating up Johnny Knoxville in Jackass: The Movie. Why is it in Spanish? Because that makes it better!

Of course, we did miss the “Is Butterbean okay?” part.

6-College Soccer: UMBC vs. Loyola (Tuesday 7pm UMBC Stadium), CONCACAF Champions League: DC United vs. C.D. Marathon (Thursday 8pm from RFK Stadium live on Fox Soccer Channel)

Please, someone tell Chris Bonetti to actually wear pants to this match. I know the Greyhounds have been strong in the past, but the Retrievers are ranked now; and plan to make Catonsville proud.

Since I’m out of things to say about soccer, please allow me to introduce you to Amy Taylor. She plays soccer. Like it matters.


5-Strikeforce Challengers: Zak Cummings vs. Tim Kennedy (Friday 11pm from Tulsa live on Showtime)

For those of you who don’t know, Tim Kennedy is a former Army Green Beret who is now a MMA fighter (and can be heard at 1:30pm Tuesday with Bob Haynie & John Rallo on “The MMA Report” on AM1570 WNST). Therefore, I root for Tim Kennedy at all times. Also, after finally seeing “Inglourious Basterds” last week, I have to admit that I kinda hope he was a soldier very similar to Brad Pitt…..

(Again, Language NSFW. But if you get caught, just tell your boss it was a historical portrayal of The Holocaust. It certainly wasn’t, but you get the picture.)

4-Golf: The TOUR Championship presented by Coca-Cola (Thursday & Friday 1pm live on Golf Channel; Saturday 2pm, Sunday 1:30pm live on NBC. All golf from Atlanta), LPGA CVS/pharmacy LPGA Challenge (Thursday-Saturday 6:30pm, Sunday 7pm from Danville, CA live on Golf Channel), Champions Tour SAS Championship (Friday 8:30pm, Saturday 2pm, Sunday 1:30pm from Cary, NC live on Golf Channel)

Finally, by limiting the field to the 30 best golfers, we have an event where ONLY the greatest golfers in the world can be involved. Golfers like Tiger Woods, Ernie Els, Phil Mickelson, and MARC LEISHMAN!



……you meant THAT Marc Leishman. DUH……

3-Horse Racing: Jim McKay Maryland Million Day (Saturday 12:15pm Laurel Park)

You think there’s a chance my new horse “RoddickMan” could win?


2-Browns @ Ravens (Sunday 1pm from M&T Bank Stadium live on CBS), Billick 101 (Wednesday 7pm Mother’s Federal Hill)

Just in case you forgot…….

Oh, and your quarterback is……


Oh, and another thing for my friends from Cleveland. I know you’re still bitter about how Art Modell moved the team and you don’t think he should be in the Hall of Fame. It’s a complete travesty, but I’m glad you have something to live for. Now suck silver……..


1-College Football: Rutgers @ Maryland (Saturday 3:30pm from Byrd Stadium live on ESPN360), Towson @ Morgan State (Saturday 4pm from Hughes Stadium live on AM1570 WNST) Western Kentucky @ Navy (Saturday 3:30pm from Navy-Marine Corps Stadium live on CBS College Sports), Iowa @ Penn State (Saturday 8pm from State College live on ABC)

Jesus, has there ever been more of a battle between good and evil before……ever?

On one side……New Jersey…..

On the other side……Maryland……

You go ahead and pick your side. For the record, I was REALLY angry about the Terps’ loss to Middle Tennessee State right up until the point where Tim D sent me this Sun picture via Facebook……


Apparently she’s from MTSU. So… know…….Go Blue Raiders!

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983……