Top 10 Baseball Distractions

October 06, 2009 | Glenn Clark

(For the record, I’m going to continue to call this “Top 10 Baseball Distractions”, even after the World Series ends. I thought maybe it could go in another direction, but this is what I’ve got.)

Honorable Mention: NASCAR Pepsi 500 (Sunday 2:30 from Fontana live on ABC), IRL Firestone Indy 300 (Saturday 4pm from Miami live on VERSUS), High School Football: Perry Hall @ Woodlawn (Friday 7pm),

10-Baltimore Beer Week: Oktoberfest (Saturday noon Timonium Fairgrounds)

This is going to come as a surprise to you guys, but………I…….enjoy……beer.

I know, you’re stunned. I probably should have prepared you a little bit more. I apologize. I was never particularly good about delivering stunning news. Sorta like when I had to let the people of Gotham City know that I was both Bruce Wayne AND Batman. Tough times in the Clark household.

If you don’t like beer, I have two thoughts:

1-Are you sure you’re a real person and not actually some sort of alien?
2-Maybe THIS can help convince you that this is an event worth attending……


Of course, I’ll just be there for this……..

beer sausage

9-NBA Preseason: Wizards vs. Mavericks (Friday 7pm from Verizon Center live on Comcast SportsNet); NBA 2K10 and NBA Live 2010 released in stores (Tuesday)

Oh, the NBA is back; huh? Ummm…..that’s cool? I don’t root for the Wizards-especially since they got rid of Juan Dixon-but I MIGHT be willing to consider rooting for DeShawn Stevenson’s tattoo……


Is there anything-ANYTHING-IN THE WORLD-funnier than the fact that a human being walked out of a tattoo parlor one day thinking THAT was cool?

8-Fall Ball Lacrosse: Maryland vs. Alumni (Friday 7:30pm from College Park), Navy Fall Ball Event featuring Syracuse, Georgetown, Penn State, Hobart, and Harvard (Saturday, Annapolis), Loyola vs. Team England (Monday, Diane Geppi-Aikens Field)

This is a LITTLE uncomfortable for me, because it is difficult for me to talk about lacrosse AT ALL without the entire conversation being about my FAVORITE lacrosse player-Cincinnati’s Laura Simanski….


(She’s on the right, and you MAY know her better as “The Future Mrs. Glenn Clark”)

But I digress, as I’m a big fan of Fall Ball Lacrosse. Mostly because it gives me something to tailgate for this weekend while Maryland and Towson football are both out of town. Frankly, if I could tailgate at a Baltimore Symphony Orchestra show, I’d be sitting here telling you about the BSO.

Actually, you think we COULD tailgate at a BSO concert?

7-Rangers @ Capitals, Devils @ Capitals (Thursday & Monday 7pm from Verizon Center live on Comcast SportsNet)

Again, I don’t root for the Caps. Not because I don’t like them-they’re a model organization not only in the NHL but in ALL of sports. I just don’t root for them because it says “Washington” in front of their name. And those people root for the Redskins, too. And I HATE the Skins. No matter what Lindsay King looks like in a Clinton Portis jersey…..


BUT, I’ll make a special exception this weekend. After the Terps lost to FREAKING RUTGERS, I could really use some revenge towards the GOD AWFUL state of New Jersey. Seriously, these people MUST be dealt with……


6-Golf: Presidents Cup (Thursday 3pm & Friday 2pm live on Golf Channel; Saturday 11am & Sunday noon live on NBC; all golf from San Francisco)

The first time Forrester looks over at me Sunday in the Press Box and says “Which of these TV’s do you think they’re going to put the golf on?”, I’m probably going to punch him in the face. Love you DF; but this is football season. For example, my family asked me if I wanted to come over for crabs Sunday. I-being a warm-blooded, God-fearing American of course LOVE crabs, but I had to look back at them and say “ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!? You know they didn’t cancel NFL season this year, right?”

Why don’t they just pay this event during the week? People that care about golf never seem to have real jobs anyway, so they’d still be able to watch; and if they do it late enough in the day, some of us might even watch too.

Or if they want me to watch on a weekend, just make all of the contestants look like this…..


Or this……


5-WEC: Cerrone vs. Henderson (Saturday 10pm from San Antonio live on VERSUS)

Everything about having fights on free TV is good news to me. Kinda like when they had Bachman sit on Kimbo last week on SpikeTV……

4-World Cup Qualifying: Team USA vs. Honduras (Saturday 10pm from San Pedro Sula, Honduras-NO TV-Match will be shown at Slainte in Federal Hill), College Soccer: Virginia Tech @ Maryland (Friday 8pm from Ludwig Field)

WHY IN THE EFF IS THIS MATCH NOT ON TV?!?!?!? Something tells me you might hear more about this during “Cheap Shots From the Bleachers” Thursday morning…..

And as if I NEEDED another reason to hate Honduras; THIS is what I found when I Google image searched “sexy Honduras”….


I hope we not only beat them in soccer, I hope we annex their country.

3-Baltimore Running Festival (Saturday 8am Downtown Baltimore)

I was going to run in this on Sunday, but the last time I tried running competitively, I lost to fat women……


And what’s the point of running this thing anyway? The first time you tell someone you won a race, they’re just gonna look bat you and say “Usain Bolt is faster.”

Of course, I did just hear that Kelly Bell Band is playing on course…..

Can you run after smoking a lot marijuana? My friend wanted me to ask…..

2-College Football: Maryland @ Wake Forest (Saturday 6:30pm from Winston-Salem live on ESPN360), Navy @ Rice (Saturday 3:30pm from Houston live on CBS College Sports), Towson @ Rhode Island (Saturday 1pm from Kingston, RI live on AM 1570 WNST), North Carolina A&T @ Morgan State (Saturday 1pm Hughes Stadium), Florida @ LSU (Saturday 8pm from Baton Rouge live on CBS)


If you’re not praying for the recovery of “America’s Quarterback” in time for Saturday’s trip to the Bayou; you are CLEARLY a communist who needs to get out of my country.

Also, since we’re playing the Deacs on Saturday; I think this is appropriate…..

1-Bengals @ Ravens (Sunday 1pm from M&T Bank Stadium live on CBS); Premiere of “The Band That Wouldn’t Die” (Tuesday 6pm M&T Bank Stadium); UFL Season Opener: California Redwoods vs. Las Vegas Locomotives (Thursday 9pm from Vegas live on VERSUS)

Thoughts all over the place here.

First-Can’t make it to the stadium Sunday? You’ll be in the VERY capable hands of one Gus Johnson…..

Second-I have NO DOUBT that Barry Levinson’s flick about the Baltimore Colts marching band is AMAZING, but why not show THIS instead…..

Third-I am looking forward to watching Anita patrol the sidelines as much as anyone, but if the UFL REALLY wanted to succeed, I’m pretty sure Christine Nubla would have been a better choice…..

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983…..