Top 10 Baseball Distractions

April 28, 2009 | Glenn Clark

I love the Orioles, but I don’t always love baseball. In fact, I love having other options besides baseball. Here are some of those options this week.

As a note, if Chick-Fil-A is giving away free spicy chicken sandwiches again this Thursday, that IMMEDIATELY shoots up to Number 1. But since I can’t confirm it, we’ll consider some other options.

Honorable mention: Ludacris in College Park (Friday 6pm, Byrd Stadium), Maryland Beer & Food Festival (Saturday & Sunday, Ripken Stadium), NBA Playoffs (I’m told they’re doing that again this year), ATP Masters Series Rome (Final Sunday 10am Tennis Channel)

10-Quail Hollow Championship (Thursday & Friday 3pm, Golf Channel; Saturday & Sunday 3pm CBS. Event in Charlotte, NC)

Who the hell calls their event the “Quail Hollow Championship”? I mean, was the “Hogwart’s School Open” not available? And what the hell is Tiger Woods doing involving himself in an event called the Quail Hollow Championship? I truly believe the John Deere Tractors Championship sounds more prestigous than this Tournament. I know the economy is bad and all, but what the hell?

9-WWE Smackdown tickets go on sale (Saturday 10am,

A lot of historic professional wrestling events have taken place in Baltimore. When they stroll into First Mariner Arena in July, you’ll want to make sure you’re there in case something else historic takes place.

In fact, when researching historic wrestling moments in Baltimore history, I came across an event from 1954. At this particular event, “The Fabulous Moolah” won a 13 woman battle royal to claim her first ever NWA Women’s Championship. Moolah went on to hold the belt for a record ten years.

What an amazing piece of history.

Now for absolutely no reason at all, I offer you video of two attractive young ladies wrestling in pudding. Don’t say I never did anything for you.

8-Ed Reed Autograph Signing (Sunday 12pm, Signature Sports at Marley Station Mall)

Here’s hoping Ed’s event draws more of a crowd than a recent Daren Stone autograph signing I stopped by…..


You see what I did there? I took a stab at both Daren Stone AND Virgil. You didn’t think I had it in me.

7-Crown Royal Presents the Russ Friedman 400 (Saturday 7pm Richmond International Raceway, FOX)

“Hello, is this the PGA Tour? Hi, my name is Glenn Clark, and I want to take back everything I said about your event having a stupid name.”

Actually, Russ Friedman is a former marine as it turns out, so you’re the loser again, golf.

Rex Snider and his buddies are getting on the WNST bus next Saturday night and screaming “Boogity Boogity Boogity” all the way to RIR, where they’ll watch a bunch of men make a lot of left turns and drink a lot of beer. In fact, I believe tickets are still available here.

If you see Ray Bachman while you’re on the trip, please tip your cap to him for me….


6-NCAA Tournament Men’s Lacrosse Selection Show (Sunday 9pm ESPNU)

I’m a degenerate when it comes to getting the chance to fill out brackets. In fact, if you put together an empty bracket of “Best breakfast cereals”, there is no doubt I would fill it out. In fact…..

In the “Toucan Sam” bracket…
#1 seed Lucky Charms beats #4 seed Corn Flakes
#3 seed Waffle Crisp beats #2 seed Fruity Pebbles
#1 seed Lucky Charms beats #3 seed Waffle Crisp to win bracket

In the “Count Chocula” bracket…..
#4 seed Frosted Flakes stuns #1 seed Trix
#2 seed Frosted Mini Wheats beats #3 seed Captain Crunch
#2 seed Frosted Mini Wheats beats #4 seed Frosted Flakes to win bracket

In the “Trix Rabbit” bracket…..
#1 seed Honey Nut Cheerios beats #4 seed Special K
#3 seed Honey Bunches of Oats knocks off #2 seed Cocoa Pebbles
#3 seed Honey Bunches of Oats upsets #1 seed Honey Nut Cheerios to win bracket

In the “Lucky Charms Leprechaun” bracket…….
#4 seed Raisin Bran shocks #1 seed Wheaties
#3 seed Fruit Loops beats #2 seed Kix
#3 seed Fruit Loops beats #4 seed Raisin Bran to win bracket

In the “Milky 4″…..
#2 seed Frosted Mini Wheats beats #1 seed Lucky Charms
#3 seed Fruit Loops beats #3 seed Honey Bunches of Oats

And in the Cereal Championship of the World…..
#3 seed Fruit Loops beats #2 seed Frosted Mini Wheats

Yeah, you’ll never get that 90 seconds of your life back. And I’ll never get that 20 minutes of mine back. Plus, while I was writing it I got so damn hungry for cereal I went in and poured myself a bowl. Thank God I wasn’t writing about Chick-Fil-A. Damnit!

5-UEFA Champions League Semifinals Leg 1: Chelsea @ Barcelona (Tuesday 2:45 ESPN2), Arsenal @ Manchester United (Wednesday 2:45 ESPN2)

You know, I wasn’t sure of who I would be rooting for in this year’s UEFA Champion’s League semi-finals until I discovered that Chelsea striker Joe Cole knows a thing or two about this young lady……


I don’t know what the hell a “WAG” is, and I don’t care. I just hope I see more of this on my TV this week.

4-Boxing: Manny Pacquiao vs. Ricky Hatton (Saturday 9pm Las Vegas, Live on HBO Pay-Per-View) , Jimmy Lange vs. Frank Houghtaling (Saturday 7:30pm Patriot Center)

I managed to track down both Ricky Hatton and Manny Pacquiao’s schedules for Wednesday of this week as they prepare for one of the biggest fights of their careers:

5am-Wake Up
6am-Eat breakfast, jump rope, go running
8am-More jump rope, first sparring session
10am-1,000 crunches
12pm-Light lunch
2pm-Study video of Hatton’s recent fights
4pm-2nd sparring session, heavier sparring; followed by hour in weight room
6pm-Sensible dinner
8pm-3rd sparring session, fight walk through.
10pm-In bed after short run

12pm-Wake up
12:30-Catch end of Man U match. Let someone know television might go through window if match doesn’t go right way.
2pm-Polish off meal of eggs and Guinness
4pm-Kick someone’s ass for no apparent reason
6pm-Lunch of Guinness
8pm-Tell someone why Oasis is greatest band ever
10pm-Strip Club, whiskey shots
12am-Find casino in Vegas with $4.99 Bangers & Mash/Guinness special
2am-Back to strip club
4am-Kick someone else’s ass after running out of Guinness
5am-Pass out in stranger’s bed

3-College Lacrosse: Loyola @ Johns Hopkins (Saturday 1pm Homewood Field, Live on ESPNU) & Towson @ Drexel CAA Tournament Semifinal (Wednesday 7:30pm Unitas Stadium)

If Towson Play by Play voice Spiro Morekas doesn’t say “It’s the Towson Crouching Tigers vs. the Drexel Hidden Dragons tonight at Unitas Stadium”, he’s missing a major opportunity.

2-Caps/Rangers Game 7 (Tuesday 7pm Verizon Center, Live on VERSUS & Comcast SportsNet; or join us to watch at Silver Spring Mining Company in Perry Hall)

So let me understand how this series works…….

players biting each other? check.
coaches throwing water bottles at fans? check.
Russian goalies out-doing each other? check.
Alexander Ovechkin doing something, well, we’re used to seeing Alexander Ovechkin do? check.
suspensions for enforcers who level other players causing orbital bones to be broken? check.
Captains attempting to return for Game 7 to do their own “Willis Reed” impressions? check.
star defensemen being rumored to be suspended only to find out the rumors were baseless? check.
organizations requesting more security for their benches? check.
midgets breathing fire? check.
Maury Povich telling Alexander Semin he is NOT the father? check.

After all that, Game 7 will almost certainly be a 4-1 snoozer.

1-Kentucky Derby (Saturday 6:15 Churchill Downs Louisville, Live on NBC; or watch the Derby at Pimlico Saturday)

Apparently with Quality Road out of the Derby, Pioneer of the Nile is the horse to pick. Of course, who cares what the horses at the Derby do as long as the women at the Derby show up looking like Hef’s former ladies…..


Meanwhile, Pimlico is holding a Brewfest to go along with their event. With that in mind, I will be needing a driver Saturday. I don’t care which of you does it, but someone needs to man up.