Top 10 Baseball Distractions

May 05, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Honorable Mention: NASCAR Racing at Talladega (Saturday 7pm FOX), Stevenson hosts D3 Lacrosse Tournament (Saturday 1pm Caves Athletics Complex)

10. World Hockey Championships Quarterfinals: USA vs. Switzerland (Wednesday 2:15pm Universal Sports from Bern, Switzerland)

Do I believe in miracles? Maybe, but probably not from a team who has like 3 guys I’ve heard of on it. (Thank God for working in Phoenix, or I might not know who Keith Ballard or Al Montoya are either.)

But that’s not the point here. The point here is that these colors don’t run. And my great grandparents didn’t risk life and limb and change our family name to come to America to watch a bunch of Eastern Europeans prance around and celebrate hockey titles. Then again, my great grandparents didn’t really risk life and limb to come to America. They just got in a boat and peaced out of Italy. But they did change our name……and how much cooler does “Callucci” sounds than “Clark”?

9. Indianapolis 500 Pole Day (Saturday 12pm VERSUS)

I actually think it’s really cool that the entire sport of IRL spends the entire month in Indianapolis gearing up for their biggest race. But I mostly think that because no one really cares about the IRL, and no one really cares about Indianapolis, so they might as well hang out there. Plus, maybe having some D-level celebrities in town will encourage our friend Merton from Indianapolis and his family to actually take a shower.

You know what else I like about the Indy 500? The milk. I’ll admit it. I think the milk is cool. Of course, this….


…..isn’t quite as much fun as this…….


8. NBA Playoffs: Cavaliers vs. Hawks (Tuesday 8pm TNT, Thursday 8pm ESPN, Saturday 8pm ABC, Monday 7pm TNT); Nuggets vs. Mavericks (Tuesday 10:30pm TNT, Saturday 5pm ESPN, Monday 9:30pm TNT)

The only reason I’m rooting for the Cavs is because Joe Smith plays for them. But the more I think about it, Cleveland probably could use a nice day. I recently went to to enter the question “What does Cleveland have to offer?” I was really caught off guard by these very nice tourism videos I found. Maybe Cleveland isn’t so bad after all….

7. Frank Caliendo (with Bill Engvall Saturday 8pm Patriot Center)

If you don’t think this is funny, I don’t think we can be friends. Of course, I didn’t really want to be friends with you to begin with. What, with all of those things you said about Bea Arthur. Bet you don’t think they were funny now, do you Fred?

6. Boxing: Chad Dawson vs. Antonio Tarver (Saturday 9:30pm HBO from Las Vegas)

I’m not trying to say that boxing is going to suck until the inevitable Mayweather-Pacquiao showdown, but do you realize that Chad Dawson is fighting the man who nearly lost to a 90 year old Rocky Balboa????


5. UEFA Champions League Semifinals Leg 2: Manchester United @ Arsenal (Tuesday 2:45 ESPN2), Barcelona @ Chelsea (Wednesday 2:45pm ESPN2)

In Leg 1 of the Champions League semis, the four squads combined to score a grand total of ONE goal. Maybe I’m not as excited as I originally thought I was…..

4. Caps-Penguins (Game 3 Wednesday 7pm, Game 4 Friday 7pm, Game 5 (if necessary) Saturday 7pm Verizon Center, Game 6 (if necessary) Monday 7pm; all games on VERSUS)

Game 1…..the save. Game 2…….dueling hat tricks. Game 3…….Mario Lemieux returns to save the Penguins? I won’t claim to be a Caps fan; but I WILL claim to enjoy every game I can watch in any sport that involves teams competing at a high level.

Plus, I imagine this person is probably a Penguins fan…..


3. The Players’ Championship (Thursday & Friday 1pm Live on Golf Channel; Saturday and Sunday 2pm Live on NBC from TPC Sawgrass)

Look, I think I’ve made my feelings about golf particularly clear. But I think there IS something we can all get behind……when well-off people get their comeuppance. Welcome to the 17th hole, jackass!

2. NCAA Lacrosse Tournament Opening Round: Brown @ Johns Hopkins (Saturday noon Homewood Field, Live on ESPN2); Maryland @ Notre Dame (Sunday noon Live on ESPNU), UMBC @ North Carolina (Saturday 2:30pm Live on ESPNU), Navy @ Duke (Saturday 7:30pm Live on ESPNU)

I’ve had a lot of great weekends in my life. Let me try to remember some of them….
-That weekend when I was 12 and I first discovered what it was that Cinemax showed after my parents thought I was in bed
-That weekend when I was 14 and I found out that 2nd base wasn’t just a baseball term
-That weekend when I was 16 and I found out that my father’s car could go faster than the numbers on the speedometer
-That weekend when I was 18 and I found out that some places didn’t always ask to see ID’s
-That weekend when I was 20 and I found out why everyone liked going to “Lookout Point” so much
-That weekend when I was 22 and I found out that they had a $4.99 prime rib special in Las Vegas
-That weekend when I was 24 and I found out my girlfriend REALLY liked hanging out with her friend Katie….

But mark my words. If Johns Hopkins, Notre Dame, North Carolina, and Duke could somehow all lose this weekend, it would officially be the greatest weekend of my life.

1. Ravens Mini-Camp (Friday-Sunday 10:30am, 1 Winning Drive)

I don’t care what you think about this; but this is FOOTBALL.

What will John Beck’s arm look like?
Will Derrick Mason collapse after every catch?
Is Willis McGahee 100%?
Has Michael Oher’s life story gotten suddenly MORE interesting?
Will Anquan Boldin Terrell Suggs show up?
What is God telling Ray Lewis about the Ravens’ upcoming season?
Are Ed Reed’s head and neck still on his body?
Do we have someone who can kick?

And most importantly; please, dear God, is someone protecting this man’s eyebrows????