Top 10 Baseball Distractions

June 01, 2009 | Glenn Clark

Honorable Mention: WWE Extreme Rules (Sunday 8pm from New Orleans live on Pay-Per-View), NASCAR Pocono 500 (Sunday 12:30 live on TNT), IRL Bombardier Learjet 550 (Saturday 9pm from Texas Motor Speedway live on VERSUS), Washington Mystics Home Opener vs. Atlanta Dream (Sunday 4pm Verizon Center)

10. “The Hangover” Opens in Theaters (Friday-wherever you enjoy flicks) and Men vs. Wild (Tuesday 10pm Discovery Channel)


Thanks to Mike Tyson (and best wishes to him and his family in a troubling time) for allowing this to make a sports list. How many times has a comedy been such a sure thing that a sequel has already received the greenlight despite the original not yet even reaching theaters? This is sorta like Superbad; or like Robert Horry at the end of a game……there’s just no chance of a miss. “Land of the Lost” also opens Friday, and as much as I like Will Ferrell…….no thanks. I mean, I don’t think it’s going to be a “Semi-Pro” type “did I seriously just pay ten bucks to watch this piece of crap?” flick, but…… thanks. But leave it to Ferrell to redeem himself by hanging out with this lunatic…..


9. Fight Night at the Ag: Mark “TNT” Tucker vs. Chris Archer (Saturday 6:30pm Carroll County Agricultural Center Shipley Arena)

You might think 4H buildings aren’t usually the place to see grown men beat the snot out of each other; but that only means you weren’t there when my Uncle Rick found out my cousin Clara’s summer squash only got 3rd place back in ’97. I mean, we both knew Travis Bodder’s summer squash was significantly better, but Clara probably deserved 2nd place more than Annie Cowens. But I’m not sure delivering a tombstone to Annie’s father (who just so happened to be one of the judges that day) was the appropriate way to voice displeasure. But then again, I’m not a father yet.

8. NHL Stanley Cup Finals: Detroit Red Wings vs. Pittsburgh Penguins (Tuesday, Thursday 8pm from Pittsburgh live on VERSUS; Saturday if necessary from Detroit live on NBC) and AHL Calder Cup Finals: Hershey Bears vs. Manitoba Moose (Tuesday 8:30pm from Manitoba, Saturday 7pm and Sunday 5pm from Hershey; all games streamed on

I stand steadfast behind these things. 1-Pittsburgh sucks. If you don’t believe me, please allow Jesus to offer an opinion….


2-No adult should be proud to root for a team called the Moose. That is all.

7. World Cup Qualifier: USA vs. Costa Rica (Wednesday 10pm from San Jose, Costa Rica live on ESPN) and DC United vs. Red Bull New York (Thursday 7:30om RFK Stadium, live on ESPN2)

With Team USA preparing to kick the tar out of Costa Rica; I thought I would offer my own personal variation of “The Top 10 Reasons why America Kicks Ass”

10-Have you been to Belize?
9-Crab pretzels are delicious
8-UFC 100 means I get to watch Brock Lesnar kick another grown man’s ass
7-“Flava in Ya Ear” by Craig Mack (I’m buying in)
5-The Nathan’s Famous 4th of July Hot Dog Eating contest
4-Hugh Hefner’s fallback options…


3-Sammy Hagar and Joe Satriani teaming up to create Chickenfoot
2-Ric Flair
1-“Powder Blue” with Jessica Biel as a stripper……


6. PGA Tour Memorial Tournament (Thursday and Friday 3pm live on Golf Channel, Saturday 3pm Sunday 2:30pm live on CBS; all of the gripping action from Dublin, Ohio) and Comcast Morning Show Charity Golf Event (Tuesday 12:45 Pine Ridge)

It is a near certainty that I will look like this in my first official caddying gig Tuesday…..

Also, Tiger Woods is playing this weekend; which means I will at least check the scores like once or twice. I’d say it would be enough to make me watch; but its called the “Memorial.” Wake me up when it’s called the “US Open.”

5. Ravens Passing Camp (Tuesday & Wednesday, 1 Winning Drive) and Ray’s Summer Days (Thursday 7:30 Ruth Chris Havana Club; Friday 7pm Perry Hall Lanes, 11pm HighTopps; Saturday 9am Patterson Park, 1pm Ray’s house)

If I EVER saw this image above me…….


….I’d probably just shoot myself in the foot, pee my pants, hand over my lunch money, give myself a wedgie; or whatever the hell the man wanted me to do in order to show mercy. I mean, seriously, have you ever seen a more terrifying sight in your entire life???

4. NBA Finals: Los Angeles Lakers vs. Orlando Magic (Thursday 9pm, Sunday 8pm; both games from LA live on ABC)

I have waited a long time for this commercial to be relevant again; but it was totally worth the wait……

Lil’ Penny was awesome. “Tyra! You left your toothbrush at my house!” I even kinda enjoyed those Hakeem Olajwon/Shaquille O’Neal Taco Bell spots too….

The Magic used to be really fun to watch. Now they have Mickael Pietrus. I think I’ll pass.

3. WEC 41 (Sunday 9pm from Sacramento live on VERSUS) & Strikeforce: Lawler vs. Shields (Saturday 10pm from St. Louis live on Showtime)

With no offense to Urijah Faber, Mike Brown, Jens Pulver, or anyone else fighting Sunday at Arco Arena; but if I wanted to watch skinny pale people fight I would have followed Lindsay Lohan on her most recent trip to rehab. Strikeforce has this guy…


……”The Grim” Brett Rogers. That guy looks like he might murder Andrei Arlovski in the ring, then snack on the surrounding cage. There are a lot of pictures of people I’m scared of on the list this week…..

2. French Open (Tuesday 8am live on Tennis Channel, 12pm live on ESPN2; Wednesday 8am live on Tennis Channel, noon live on ESPN2; Thursday 5am live on Tennis Channel, 8am live on ESPN2; Friday 10am live on NBC; Saturday Womens’ Final 9am live on NBC; Sunday Mens’ Final 9am live on NBC. All action from Roland Garros in Paris.)

Once again I plan my day around watching an important Andy Roddick match; and once again he goes down in straight sets. Who’s more disappointing, Andy Roddick or me to my girlfriend after about 6 beers? No matter. I picked Gael Monfils to win the Open, and he’s alive and well. On the women’s side; there are 8 ladies left. Of the 16 combined first and last names left; 14 of those names end in the letter “a.” But as long as two of those names are……


……we’re good.

1. Belmont Stakes (Saturday 6:30pm ABC)

Calvin Borel has just about guaranteed victory for Mine That Bird Saturday, saying “We’re going to win it, no questions asked.” Well, the sports guarantee has certainly never failed before, has it? (Thanks to Campus Squeeze for helping me jog my memory)

I mean, when Matt Hasselbeck said “We want the ball, and we’re going to score”; that ended well, right?


And when the Steelers’ Anthony Smith guaranteed a win over the Patriots, that worked well, right?


But recently things have been better with guarantees, I know that. I mean, Mo Williams just guaranteed a win in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference Finals AND that the Cavs would beat the Magic. That certainly couldn’t have backfired; could it have?


And with these classic guarantees; I guarantee that reading my column was the best part of your entire week.

I can’t be wrong about that, can I?