Wednesday Morning’s Crabs and Beer

May 19, 2010 | Glenn Clark

Happy Wednesday!

It’s a Happy Wednesday for me because I just got my copy of Justin Halpern’s book “Sh*t My Dad Says.” If you’re now familiar with his Twitter account, it’s absolutely BRILLIANT. The dude is 29 and lives with his 74 year old father, and his 74 year old father may be the greatest human being on the face of the planet…


-”A parent’s only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed.”
-“I lost 20 pounds…How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the f*ck you think, son? I exercised.”
-
“I didn’t say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly.”
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“Do people your age know how to comb their hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their heads and started f*cking.”
-“I’m not sure you can call that roughing it, son… Well, for one, there was a f*cking minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.”

I’m crying. Apparently the Twitter account/book are going to become a CBS sitcom starring William Shattner. Could anything…in the world…ever be better?

Let’s see what everyone has to say…

1. The AP’s David Ginsburg says Orioles touched up Royals bullpen after Greinke departed for 10 inning win

No, the Orioles did not “beat” Zack Greinke, despite what someone over at 105.7 (cough Jen Royle cough) said. They did however win a game started by Zack Greinke, which is ALMOST just as good.

(Edit from GMC: Some might say I’m obsessed with her. They’re right. It’s similar to how many of us are obsessed with “Snooki” from Jersey Shore. It’s just such a disaster that how can you possibly turn away? The reality is that as much as I say I want Jen Royle to do her job better, I probably REALLY don’t want her to.)

Those “I want to be Luke Scott’s bat” on MASN look really good this week. Of course, Everything related to Luke Scott usually looks really good for a week-or maybe even a month. Usually not for too much longer than that though.

Is it too late to get Corey Patterson on the ballot for the All-Star Game?

2. The AP/WNST.net offer numerical evidence of win

9,715 packed their way into Oriole Park at Camden Yards last night. I guess it was really 3,000 who packed their way in, but there were 9,715 tickets sold.

But our “Apologist of the Morning” as selected by “The Great Arbitrator” Drew Forrester is still going. Here’s his take…

“For my part, I’ll say again that the best response to the losing is to continue to support the team. Go to a few games and cheer loudly (or, as is my wont, get a Lucas Clap going). Proudly (defiantly?) rock the black-and-orange. Take what joy you can from this mess and discard the rest.

It’s not that hard. Despite the conditions last night I still enjoyed myself. All it takes to do that is wanting to do that. Some do, some don’t, but it’s simple either way.

Whichever way you go, the baseball they play will improve. It just will.”

It just will.

The question is, will it be while we’re still alive?

Or should the question be: “Will it get better before the crowds get so small that the team is forced to move to Nashville?”

3. WNST.net’s Luke Jones says Kevin Millwood still hasn’t picked up first victory of season despite Birds win

A quality outing from Kevin Millwood last night, but he once again had an inning that was particularly troubling.

I have an idea.

The next time Kevin Millwood pitches at OPACY, the guys in the production department should just go ahead and take down the inning number when the game gets to the 5th inning. They don’t need to put up a “6″ or anything like that, they just need to take down any electronic references to what inning it is. Pretend the 5th inning just doesn’t happen at all.

It might not work, and it might be laughed at over at sites like Deadspin-but Christ, they’re 13-27! Why not???

4. MLB.com’s Brittany Ghiroli and Pete Kerzel say Adam Jones’ dealings with ‘frustration’ lead to his helmet toss Monday night

If Adam Jones is so frustrated that he’s throwing his helmet, what’s the appropriate response from those of us who have been forced to watch him play this year?

Maybe something similar to this???

hulk

5. The Sun’s Dean Jones Jr. says Brandon Erbe, Brandon Snyder had rough night, Michael Aubrey had big night for O’s on farm

Before we move on from our beloved Baltimore Orioles; a few things.

-The Orioles finished their 8 game homestand with the Mariners, Indians and Royals at 4-4. I think anyone who tried to dismiss the early season struggles of the Orioles as being nothing more than a “tough schedule” might have learned something over the last 8 days.

-The Orioles return to action tonight in Arlington, Texas at the appropriately named Ballpark in Arlington against the Texas Rangers. First pitch on MASN2 is at 8:05pm, Jeremy Guthrie faces Rich Harden. The Rangers are in 1st place in the AL West and haven’t struggled-AT ALL-to score runs. The Birds of course have. Hopefully those trends will change.

6. WNST.net’s Glenn Clark says Jared Gaither (foot), Troy Smith (tonsilitis) amongst those absent from Ravens Passing Camp in Owings Mills

I wouldn’t read anything in to the timing of Troy Smith having his tonsils taken out now as some of you have. This is really the least important of the offseason work the Ravens are doing, so if this WAS something that had timing flexibility, this is a good time for him to have done it. Harbaugh said that the tonsilitis may have stemmed from his bout with the black plague or whatever it was back in 2008.

And Gaither is clearly dealing with SOMETHING with his foot, and while he almost certainly could be practicing (and would be playing), I don’t think it’s the end of the world that he isn’t on the field. I know they’d rather have him out there (Oniel Cousins was COMPLETELY beat a couple of times yesterday), but not the end of the world.

As far as the veterans that missed Camp are concerned; Ray Lewis and Derrick Mason can do whatever they want. Trevor Pryce is probably in that group as well. I would imagine John Harbaugh is pretty disappointed that Terrell Suggs isn’t there, but when you make as much money as Ol’ “T-Sizzle” does, you get your own rules. And Willis McGahee can only be hurting himself every time he doesn’t show up.

7. National Football Post’s Aaron Wilson says Lardarius Webb ‘significantly ahead of schedule’ according to John Harbaugh

I’m not a doctor, so don’t take anything I say too seriously; but the work Lardarius Webb was doing yesterday at 1 Winning Drive (in fairness-it was only running); made it look like he really MIGHT be ready to go before the end of Training Camp; and might have a shot to be on the field in East Rutherford on Monday Night Football against the New York Jets.

Before moving on from the Ravens-head on over to the BuyAToyota.com Audio Vault here at WNST.net to hear from John Harbaugh, Joe Flacco, Billy Cundiff and Sergio Kindle yesterday at Passing Camp.

While you’re there, new Ravens CB Travis Fisher joined “The Morning Reaction” today on AM1570 WNST-make sure you check him out as well. Other guests this morning you can hear from include Maryland football Coach Ralph Friedgen (who will be at Field House in Canton tonight with Debbie Yow, Keith Booth and Brenda Frese for “Terps on Tour”), Bowie Baysox pitcher Steve Johnson, Washington Capitals GM George McPhee and Orlando Magic Executive VP Pat Williams. Check it all out!

8. GoMustangSports.com previews today’s DIII NCAA Tournament quarterfinal between Stevenson and Roanoke

I once dated a gal who went to Roanoke. The celebrity she most resembled was Adriana Lima (Thanks Busted Coverage!)…

lima

I’m kidding of course, but she was a lovely gal. I think I got a parking ticket at Roanoke once, on a weekend trip where we ended up going to see John Mayer and Maroon 5 in Virginia Beach. I remember the show was on a Sunday and I was despondent because I had remembered there being a Chick-Fil-A on the way in to the venue, but forgot that it would be closed on Sunday.

Now you know the story of my life. Was there something about a lacrosse game?

(Edit from GMC: I’m kidding. I’ll be out at Caves Athletic Complex this afternoon at 4pm, come by and say hello. Let’s go Stangs!)

9. Inside Lacrosse’s Geoff Shannon says Boys Latin, St. Paul’s win MIAA ‘A’ Conference semis, will rematch for title at Unitas Stadium Saturday

I don’t know too much about the MIAA. As a proud Perry Hall High School alum, MIAA gals usually weren’t allowed to hand around guys like me. Humorously, “The Luckiest Dang Gal on the Face of the Planet” is actually a NDP alum.

When I found out she had graduated from Notre Dame Prep, I immediately had the wheels turning. “Catholic School Girl? This has potential.”

However, it did not. The NDP uniform looks like this…

ndp

I of course was hoping for this…

skirt

Why doesn’t it ever look like that?

10. Daily Racing Form’s Glenye Cain Oakford says 1986 Preakness winner Snow Chief dead at 27

This subject is a little sensitive for me. Not because there’s a dead horse, but because it involves the word snow. After this winter, the word “snow” alone makes me tremble…

And finally, I leave you with this.

Everybody is making a big deal about NBA official Joe DeRosa throwing the ball at a fan at the Orlando Magic-Boston Celtics game last night. It doesn’t look that bad to me…

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ppxKf6N_8-g[/youtube]

You know what’s a big deal to me? The pictures of Blake Lively that Guyism found…

lively

Flexing my mic muscles since 1983…

-G

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