Facebook Twitter Share Email Print RSS Comment

While Tiger Woods plots his re-entry strategy (no pun intended…I mean his return to civilization) one of his glorified-hooker-girlfriends cancelled a press conference today in Los Angeles.

I’m not sure why Rachel Uchitel needed a press conference today, anyway.  After all, she’s already vehemently denied that she had an affair with Woods.  She told the New York Post she didn’t do it.

“I’m not a celebrity f*****r”, she said.

“Yeah, sure you’re not,” said the rest of the world.

But that’s neither here nor there, now.  She’ll wind up getting paid, the way Jaimee Grubbs and any of the others who step forward as part of Tiger’s (former) harem will, as well.

And, rest assured, there will be more.  The only thing better than shagging the celebrity is bragging about it.  You’ll need to get out your glasses and an extra saw to help remove what’s coming out of the woodwork in the next few days.

My own personal betting line on the number of women who attach themselves to the “Tiger Tryst List” is 6.5.

I’ll take the over for $500.

Here, though, is where Tiger should smarten up.  If he really wants to start fresh and get this thing put behind him, save his marriage (hopefully, if that’s what they want) and get some degree of self-respect back, he really should watch the scene from the very end of Eminem’s movie, 8 Mile.

The clip from 8-Mile is here.  Before you click on it, PLEASE note that it contains rude language and VERY adult subject matter.

Once you watch the clip, you’ll know exactly what I mean when I say, “Tiger should pull an Eminem on his girl friends.”

Tiger should just give all the names and details, today.  It’s a race against time.  With each passing hour, attorneys and the girls-in-question are meeting over an espresso to talk about their next move.  And since the girls in question are most likely not Rhodes Scholar candidates, they’ll need a helping hand or two to put the whole process in motion.

Tiger should beat them to it.

“Yeah, Rachel came to Australia to be with me.”

Of course she did, Tiger.  She can “vehemently” deny it all she wants, but we know the truth.  There are 35 million hotels in the world.  There’s the Baltimore Inner Harbor Marriott.   There’s the Cleveland Crowne Plaza.  There’s the Sheraton Square in Houston.  There’s the Comfort Inn in Merced, California.  There’s a Red Roof Inn in Johnson City, Tennessee.  Of all the hotels in the world — she just happened to show up at the same hotel as Tiger in Australia at the exact same time.  She says, of course, she was there with clients.  Probably not…would be my guess.

So go ahead, Tiger, ruin her payday and just out Rachel Uchitel now.

You might as well spill ALL the beans on the cocktail waitress in Las Vegas, Jaimee (Money) Grubbs.  Tell the whole story there and maybe she’ll have to go back to actually working for a living instead of backing up the Brinks truck in Hollywood.

The marketing girl in Las Vegas, Kalika Moquin, should get her 15 minutes of fame as well.  Tell the whole story about her too, before she gets a chance.

You get the picture, right?

Name them all now.  Get every single detail out in the open.  Where you met, when you met, how often you met. What kind of wine she liked.  What her sexual preferences were.  What other celebrities did she talk about trying to stalk?

Tiger should pull an Eminem.

He should just air all of his own dirty laundry before everyone else gets the chance.

You can bet your purple rear-end there will be a story about Tiger being a bad kisser…Tiger’s “manhood” not quite being as, umm, impressive as his trophy case at home…Tiger splitting the cost of the room…Tiger ordering room service and refusing to tip 20% on the wine.

Tiger just should out himself on all of it.

“Yeah, I’m a bad kisser…so what?”

“Yeah, I’d like to be a little bigger down there…who wouldn’t?”

“Yeah, the room was $400 in New York City and I know Rachel makes a lot of money so I suggested we split the cost of it.”

“Why give a 20% tip on a $250 bottle of Silver Oak Cabernet that the hotel paid $110 for in the first place?”

Get all the dirt out there now before the money-grubbers get their chance.

Do what Eminem did and leave them no more ammunition in their guns.

The worst thing that could happen to Tiger would be for these few stories to surface and for Woods to tell his wife, “OK, that’s it…there’s no one else out there with a story.  Let’s rebuild our life together.”  And then, a month later, a college bartender from Ponte Vedra Beach confesses that she had an affair with Woods after meeting him at the 2008 Player’s Championship.  Two months later, another story surfaces from an ex-Nike intern who says Woods showed her how to “Just Do It” when they met at a conference in Oregon back in 2006.

If Tiger just puts every single one of his “friends” on the list and announces them to the world, there’s no more chance for future harm.

What you didn’t see at the end of that clip was the outcome of 8-Mile.

Eminem tossed the mic to Papa Doc and it was his arch-rival’s turn to rap and win the contest.

Once Eminem spewed all of that nasty stuff about himself, the Doc just stood there with his mouth open.

He had nothing to say.

I’m telling you, that’s how Tiger should handle this now.

Give the girls the microphone once you’ve told everyone the truth and see what they have to offer.

It won’t be much.

And once Tiger has done the Papa Doc treatment to all of them, he’ll be able sit down with Elin and say, “There, it’s all out now.  There’s nothing anyone can say about me that will be more harmful than I’ve already said about myself.  Can we try and put our marriage and our family back together now?”