As you know, I just don’t LOVE baseball the way some of you do. Mostly because I prefer sports where everyone really appears to be living and dying every time they compete. So every week, I present the Top 10 “Baseball Distractions” of the week.

For the week of April 14-20…….

(Editor’s Note: When I originally wrote this, I did not include Tuesday night’s release of the NFL schedule. After re-thinking my qualifications; that event should have been #1 on the list; as it is a CLEAR example of something for those of us who don’t really LOVE baseball to enjoy.)

10. Maryland Beer Pong Reisterstown Qualifier (Saturday 2pm Full Moon Pub & Grill)

But what are the rules??? I mean, do girls have to blow spinning ping pong balls while guys are allowed to use their fingers? What about the bounce rule? And how does the game start? Is there retribution? This game is MUCH too complicated to be controlled by any sort of governing body! I’m still not certain this game involves any real skill; but if I can win THIS…..

9. Subway Fresh Fit 500 (Saturday 8pm Phoenix, AZ; FOX)

Look, I don’t care much for racing. But as someone who previously lived in Phoenix; I did care about drinking. And when the NASCAR boys came to town; we had about 100 more reasons to drink. I’m not certain that there are any great NASCAR memories from that track in West Phoenix; not am I certain that I have any memories at all of my own trips to PIR. As a side note, the other cool thing about the Spring race at PIR was having Subway as a sponsor. Jared Fogle literally just walks around town handing out Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki subs. Anything better than that?

8. Blue & Gold Game (Friday 7pm Navy-Marine Corps Stadium, Streaming via “Navy All-Access”)

As a rule; quarterbacks struggle during Spring football. The defenses are just always ahead of the offenses. Which is why the Navy Spring game is MUCH more watchable than just about any other Spring game. They don’t play defense anyway; and they never try to throw the ball. In fact; it’s the closest thing to rugby you’ll see in College Football. And what’s more manly than rugby? I mean, besides Lady Gaga.

7. Denver Nuggets @ Portland Trailblazers (Wednesday 10:30pm, ESPN)

I don’t much care about the NBA; but I DO much care about Carmelo Anthony, because I root for everyone who comes from Baltimore. I mean, besides Mark Teixeira. Naturally. Anyhoo, if the Nuggets win Wednesday; they’ll wrap up the 2 seed in the West (Editor’s note: they might not even have to do that), giving them Melo’s best chance yet to win a title. Of course; he would have a better chance to win a title if players named “LeBron”, “Kobe”, and “KG” all suddenly decided to try their hand at another game like hockey; but……..well maybe……no, I don’t think that’s happening. But could you imagine???

6. Pimlico Opening Day (Saturday All Day, Pimlico)

I can’t tell you ANYTHING about the ponies that will be racing around Old Hilltop Saturday; but I know these things….

$3 Beer
$2 Pizza
And don’t you tell me not to worry bout Bin Laden….

That’s right; “Have You Forgotten” himself; Mr. Darryl Worley is in the house Saturday. It might not be Zac Brown doing “Chicken Fried”, but if you’re not there, the terrorists win.

5. TNA “Lockdown” (Sunday 8pm Liacouras Center Philadelphia; Pay-Per-View)

You mean to tell me you’re going to put this maniac in a steel cage…….

……ummm, yes please! Nothing bad happens when Mick Foley steps into violent circumstances; and of course Philadelphia has never been the home to any sort of strange activities either. I don’t know much about TNA; but I know Kurt Angle is an American hero who once sprayed Stone Cold Steve Austin down with milk; so he’s good in my book. And WNST is taking a bus of wrestling nuts up to Philly for the night! A bus full of wrestling fans? Here’s the link to get signed up if you’re a grappling fanatic; or if you missed the circus when it was in town.

4. UEFA Champions League Quarterfinals Leg 2 (Tuesday & Wednesday 2:45pm, ESPN2)

Chelsea-Liverpool is the ESPN2 game Tuesday; FC Porto-Man U is the ESPN2 game Wednesday. The Tuesday games were lop-sided a week ago; while the Wednesday games were draws last week. If the 2 game series end up tied; I have managed to track down the tie-breakers…..

A. Aggregate score
B. Away goals
C. America votes
D. Simon and Paula get the chance to “save” the team of their choice

3. Navy @ Johns Hopkins Lacrosse (Saturday 2pm ESPNU, Homewood Field)

In fairness; watching Maryland’s biggest in-state rivals have much more success than the Terps isn’t really my thing. Actually; I might even prefer watching “For The Love of Ray-J” with Tom Green singing hip hop songs. But Saturday’s game will have a wild atmosphere; even if neither fanbase is exactly well known for burning couches on Frat Row.

2. Capitals open NHL Playoffs (Wednesday 7pm Comcast SportsNet, Saturday 1pm NBC; Verizon Center)

I’ve started growing my playoffs beard. In two weeks, you might notice it.

1. UFC 97 (Saturday 10pm Montreal; Pay-Per-View)

This is the genius of Dana White. He knows no one really wants to see Thales Leites fight in the main event Saturday night. But more importantly; he knows that all anyone REALLY wants is to see Anderson Silva kick someone’s ass Saturday night. Thus enter Thales Leites. I actually feel bad for Leites; who is a promising fighter. But this is Anderson Silva we’re talking about. It would be like someone beating Rambo. No one is beating Rambo. And no one is beating “The Spider”, either.

-G