I’m a Human Being In A ‘Quack-Quack’ World And Other Sports Nonsen

April 13, 2007 | WNST Interns

It’s gotta be me. It’s the only way I can explain it.  Because for about the last year and a half I keep running into people who must be ducks. Or I’m a duck. I mean because I say one thing and they seem to hear something completely different.  And then respond in a way that just sounds like quacking.   Great example, last night I’m at this bar in Govans. I’m sucking down a few beers and watching the Orioles fail to score any runs while one of my fantasy baseball pitchers, Justin Verlander, pitches perfectly but fails to get the win because the Tigers can’t score either until they win it with a grand slam in the twelfth inning. 

So, anyway, one of the owners of the bar is a lacrosse FREAK.  Loves it.  Played it since he was a kid.  Played it in some private school  I  probably wasn’t allowed into and then played colllege ball as well. Is it even called “college ball” when it’s lacrosse? I don’t even know if that hard rubber thing is called a ball.  The point is, he knows I know NOTHING about lacrosse and don’t really care.  It’s not because lacrosse isn’t a sport or isn’t valid or manly or whatever, it’s just because I was raised in Brooklyn, New York and by the time we made the move to Baltimore my sports were already fixed- football, baseball, basketball and, to a lesser degree, hockey.

But I’m willing to learn the game.  I am.  I’ll even go to a game if you get me tickets.  In other words I’m not prejudiced, I’m just uneducated.  So, anyway, I’m in the joint until 2am and I’m hanging out in the downstairs bar talking to a couple of bartender buddies of mine when this owner comes downstairs and says “you all can stay. Except YOU because you don’t like lacrosse.”  He’s pointing at me and I think he must be joking.  Only he’s not. He’s blind drunk (I was pretty close myself) and is having some whiskey-powered meltdown. Apparently he gets this way. But, I don’t know this and I laugh it off. Only he’s not laughing. “Get out!” he says again. The thing becomes so crazy that I’m about to knock him through the wall because even though I’m not the biggest guy in the world, I do have a temper. And this guy is just pissing me off.  He threatens to call the police and tell them I’m trespassing! I’m like “WHAT? ARE YOU NUTS?” Well, apparently he is. That’s okay. There’s a lot of bars to go to where I can watch a baseball game, not understand lacrosse and NOT be harrassed by an alcoholic tavern owner with a bug up his ass.

If you own a bar or tavern that I can frequent without fear of fisticuffs, email me at fightingungers@wnst.net

Onto other things…

Felix Hernandez makes $420,000 a year while Dice-K Matsuzaka makes 6.3 million but last night the kid from Venezuela, who only turned legal drinking age last week, pitched a one-hitter while the Emperor of Japan had control issues and wound up losing the game.  It was a great matchup and a great game except for the fact that Ichiro did NOTHING. I have him on my fantasy team which for the week is batting .167.  

Don Imus got a two week suspension for his on air stupidity.  We’ve all heard the comments so I don’t need to repeat them. Personally, I think the issue needs to just die. But since it isn’t, let me say that I think CBS showed NO BALLS. Either you keep him or you FIRE him. If you feel he deserves another chance, keep him. If you feel that what he says is intolerable, dump him. A two week suspension is meaningless and serves zero purpose.  Oh yeah, and I’m also wondering who the hell is going on his show now?  He loves to get politicians and news guys like Brian Williams and Chris Matthews. Yeah, right!  Those guys will be staying away from him like a vampire steers clear of garlic.  His lineup for the next few months will include David Duke, Hitler impersonators and people who owe him money.

Thoughts?  Comments on any of this?  Whether we agree or disagree we’ll get it on the air… Send an email to fightingungers@wnst.net